How to Get Kids to Clean Their Rooms

There is a great article running on Yahoo titled, "The 7 Messiest Kids Rooms Ever!" that feature seven photos of really messy rooms.  My favorite is here to the right with the one titled WHERE'S WALDO.  Somewhere in that photo among the chaos is a sleeping child.


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My wife and I don’t have the time to watch much TV, but one program running on NBC that caught our eye last year is the television show PARENTHOOD.  I’m bringing this up because there are many scenes that represent classic parenting situations; some handled well and some not so well.  I remember one scene involving the youngest son Crosby, played by Dax Shepard and his 6-year-old son Jabbar, well played by Tyree Brown.  Jabbar began to act overwhelmed and helpless when his father asked him to clean up his room.  Crosby then moved the request up a few notches, to demands and threats, but to no avail.  A little while later, the boy’s mother arrived home and discovered that Crosby ended up cleaning Jabbar’s room for him and a fight between the parents erupted; a realistic incident that can happen in many families.


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Defining the Problem

I believe there are three primary causes of the messy room; children and teens lack organizational skills, they are enjoying exerting power over their own space, or they are purposely keeping their room a mess as a way of getting even with an over controlling or unengaged parent or caretaker.  I have outlined some tips for parents on what to do about each of these issues, but we must first examine why this becomes a battle ground between parents and children. 


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Many parents are in a struggle over the messy room because they know how important it is to allow a child or teen to have their personal space, yet they feel the space is being abused by keeping it untidy.  Other adults come from a position of fear that their child or teen will grow up to be a slob if they don’t get them to become more organized with their room or possessions now.  And then there are other parents and caregivers who see the child’s messy room as just another form of not complying with the adults.  Some adults are drawn back to the feelings they had as a child when they were forced to clean their room or punished for not keeping it clean.  When they see their child’s unkempt room, it conjures up these bad feelings and then think to themselves, “My parents wouldn’t have allowed me to get away with a having a messy room.”

Forcing a Child Doesn’t Work Today

While force may have been a normal parenting approach in autocratic times, it doesn’t work today.  Forcing a child to keep his or her room clean might get you what you want, but it will also destroy your relationship with your child or teen.  It might seem like it’s working, but there is a good chance your child will find a way to sabotage the relationship in other ways as a means for revenge against the force you use in your parenting.  Below are four tips that don’t include the use of force.


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Teach Them While They’re Young

Give young children small tasks to do to help keep their room picked up.  Telling a child to go clean her room is like saying to her, “Go explore space.”  Like in the television show example above, it can easily overwhelm and frustrate them.  The success they experience with small and repetitive tasks can motivate them to want to do more and also creates a foundation of good feelings around keeping their room clean.  These will still be with them when they become teens and can influence how well they keep their room picked up then.  Toys can create chaos so things work best if they are kept in a playroom separate from the child’s bedroom.  This may not be possible for everyone, so at least consider separating toys into two categories; chaos and supervised.  Chaos toys are the large, easy-to-pick up items that are usually kept in a toy box.  A daily routine can be established for picking up these toys before dinner or bed.  Supervised toys are the sets or kits that include lots of small pieces, such as building and play sets.  These should be kept out of a child’s reach so they can ask for permission to play with them with the parent’s approval.  It is also very helpful to establish rules for playing with these types of toys, such as where they will be played with and when they will be picked up and put back in the container.


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Set Up Rules About What Can Go Into a Bedroom

When it comes to messy rooms, some parents are appropriately concerned about the safety and wellbeing of their child, such as used dinner ware, dirty laundry, or uneaten food amidst the papers, books, clothing, and toys on the floor of the child’s room.  If a parent establishes rules about what is and is not acceptable for the child to bring into his room, then this eliminates a huge portion of the concern.  Announce a set of rules that food, dishes and such are no longer allowed in the bedroom.  You can also declare that friends will be allowed in the room (or even just over to play) when the room is picked up.  Turn over the responsibility of doing laundry to older children by providing instructions on using the laundry machines.  Set up rules that expensive electronic devices with access to the Internet are no longer allowed in the child’s bedroom without supervision, such as iPods, tablets, Kindles, and laptop computers.


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Conclusion

If you have used some of these suggestions and more, and still your child’s room is a mess, remember that your child’s room belongs to your child.  Pick your battles because some are more important than others.  You also want to ask yourself, “Is it more important for me to have clean rooms in my house or a strong relationship with my child?”  When we get to where we’re going at the end of this life and we find ourselves facing the greater power that created the magic of life, do you think he’ll really say to us, “Nice job, you made sure that your child’s room was clean all the time.”

Bill Corbett is the author of the award winning book series “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids” in English and in Spanish, and the founder and president of Cooperative Kids.  He has three grown children, three step children, two grandchildren, and lives with his wife Elizabeth and step daughter Olivia.  You can visit his Web site http://www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

Three Steps to Motivating Children to Own Their Homework

Parenting in the modern age requires knowing how to “coach” a children to take ownership of their homework, a skill few of us have.  When parents coach more than direct, their children are more likely to take responsibility for their school and homework.  To coach successfully, parents must stop reacting out of fear that it won’t get done and stop resorting to controlling the child and the homework.  The first step in doing this is to help the child plan ahead and take an active role in preparing for the homework.  Here are steps for getting children self-motivated about homework.

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The Supplies

Sit down with your child and help him come up with a list of supplies. Use your parent veto power to ensure the right items are purchased, but give him control over the shopping task.  Teach him much about money and shopping by letting him carry the basket at the store, pick out the items (with your guidance), and even use a calculator while he shops to add up his purchases.  Depending on his age, you may even want to give him the money to carry and allow him to complete the transaction.  Many office supply store chains have employees ready to serve, so why not allow your child to work directly with the salesperson while you tag along to monitor the process.

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The Location

Homework is often done at the dining room or kitchen table, or worse yet, in front of the television.  These high traffic and distracting locations are not conducive to concentration and learning.  Allow your child to help you determine where the homework will be done on a daily basis and have her help you set up this special location.  Be sure that the lighting is appropriate, seating is comfortable, and visual stimulation is low.  Don’t be afraid to mark it officially with a banner or sign that reads, “The Homework Center.”  One parent I know even marked it off with police tape! This adds to the reverence of the space.

The Schedule

Allow your child to determine what time it will begin and for how long.  Sometimes allowing for a 30 – 60 minute play or snack period before the homework begins allows them to wind down and get in the frame of mind for learning.  Be sure to ban entertainment electronics during homework time to minimize distractions.  This “NO ELECTRONICS” ban should be kept in place even on days when there is no homework.  If no homework is assigned on a particular day, your child can read, write, draw, or one of many other creative activities instead.  What child wouldn’t risk telling his parent he has no homework if he’s dreading a particular assignment and the excitement of a fun video game is overwhelming?

If you implement these steps, before you know it, your child will begin to feel more in control of the process and you will see results in his work.  Remember to be a coach rather than a controlling parent by checking in with him often and being available for help.  A good coach keeps others on task, focused, and is ready to clear barriers that appear along the way.


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A Service to Parents That Could Have Saved This Girl's Life

In Eagle Point, Oregon last weekend, a 14-year-old girl died at a party from inhaling helium from a pressurized tank.  According to the news report, she was pressured by others at the party to take a turn at wearing the mask and inhaling the gas, after consuming at least 8 alcoholic drinks.   Several adults responsible for putting on the party and providing drugs and alcohol have been charged.

This tragedy is a nightmare for the parent of any teenager.  Some reading about this may have the false belief that it could never happen to their daughter or son.  Others may ask, “What could the parents have done differently to keep this young girl from losing her life?”  One thing that could have stopped this unfortunate incident is the parents having knowledge of exactly where their daughter was going that night.  According to the news report, the parents believed their 14-year-old was going to a slumber party with friends.  Instead, she got into a car headed to an adult hosted party where she eventually lost her life.  While we don’t know what she told her parents, they were obviously mislead and may have been too trusting.  I agree that we must trust our teens at some point but this girl was only 14 and in my opinion, that age requires more supervision and monitoring.

So how can a parent become more aware of what his or her teens are doing and where exactly they are going?  As parents of a 14-year-old girl ourselves, we’ve found the answer through the service of a new company called MY MOBILE WATCHDOG.  Thanks to this service, we stay connected through our teenager’s mobile phone, knowing what she and her friends are talking about and what plans they are making.  We also know exactly who she is in contact with via calls and texts, what Web sites she visits, and what applications she downloads and uses.  The easy-to-use online dashboard gives us full access to control as little or as much as we want, as well as determining how much information we want sent to us through email or to our phones.  We can block people from connecting with her and we can block Web sites that we don’t want her to visit.  We also have the ability to shut down all of the phone’s capabilities for any time period of time we want.  Currently, we have the phone’s capabilities reduced from 10 p.m. to 5 a.m. to eliminate texting and Internet as a distraction from getting to sleep at night.  She is still able to call us during that time if she needs to.

Some parents may object to the use of this service and see it as an invasion of their teenager’s privacy.  But the fact remains that kids are exposed to more and more adult natured material and subject matters thanks to the media, entertainment industry, and the lack of supervision of friends.  It is every parent’s responsibility to know what their teens are doing, who they are communicating with, and what they are talking about.  Our young teenager’s friends are learning and imitating inappropriate behavior from televisions shows such as Jersey shore and from Web sites such as Omegle.com and Chaterbate.com.  We know this for a fact because we monitor the conversations our teen daughter has with her friends and what they share.  And we monitor this all with our teenager’s knowledge.   We don’t use the information to chastise her in any way, we use it to determine which friends’ homes have supervised Internet and television and are safe for going to sleep overs.  It is a parents right and responsibility to BE IN THE KNOW and My Mobile Watchdog provides that valuable service to us.

As somewhat of a new service for parents, My Mobile Watchdog works with most cell service providers but does not work with all cell phones.  Developers at the company recommend using a DROID platform phone and advise they have plans for expanding to more types of phones in the future.  Because it works best with a DROID, we purchased a used one to replace our 14-year-old’s older basic device.  She was ecstatic to have the newer touch platform phone in spite of the monitoring that came attached to it.  I was excited to learn from the company representative that they have future plans to install a GPS type of capability in the future.  This means that parents subscribing to this service may have the capability of knowing exactly where their teen is at any given moment. 

What if the parents of that poor 14-year-old Oregon girl knew about the REAL plans that night through conversations they could have monitored between their daughter and her friends?  What if that capability could have saved her life?  Will my wife and I continue to monitor our teen daughter’s text chats when she’s 16?  We'll make the decision when the time comes, but right now she is only 14 and it is our responsibility to keep her safe.  This is a time when safety trumps privacy!

Follow this hotlink for more information on My Mobile Watchdog product. Get more information and parenting help to guide you on your parenting journey at my Web site for parents, http://www.CooperativeKids.com or see my television show at http://www.TheParentingShow.tv.

Help Your Child Create a Braincar

Have you or anyone you know ever created something strange?  As reported by weirdunivers.net,  Dutch artist Olaf Mooij created a vehicle called the Braincar.  This strange looking car has what looks like a giant brain on top of it and sports a video camera that captures video as he travels around during the day.  Olaf apparently uses the inside of the brain as a movie screen and projects the video captured during the day on the inside of the brain.

While this might all sound weird and have no purpose for many, I’m guessing that Olaf is a very creative person and may have been allowed to develop that creativity during his childhood.  Parents have the power to make or break a child’s ability to be creative.  It requires remaining calm and relaxed when the child comes up with preposterous ideas and to avoid attempting to keep them grounded out of fear.  It also requires minimizing entertainment electronics and creating plenty of time and space to dream and create.

When I was a child in the 60s, I would spend hours writing ghost stories on an old typewriter that I bought with money I earned on my newspaper delivery route.  When I first started creating these stories of fantasy, I remember being so excited to show my creations to my mother, grandparents, and my teachers.  Immediately, they would give me the “that’s nice BUT…” phrase and then follow that with all the things that were wrong with my story, such as the grammar, spelling, story structure, or even whether it could really happen or not.  With that continuous discouragement, I eventually stopped writing.  My adult caregivers meant well, but were concerned more about making sure I did it right that they killed my motivation to create.

Let your kids be creative.  Don’t worry about how it will turn out and stop controlling the outcome as a parent.  I can’t help but wonder what might have become of my ghost story writing when I was 10 if the adults in my life knew how to relax and just let me create.  Could I have become the next Stephen King?  What will you do now to foster creativity in your child?  Will you set limits on entertainment electronics so your child can create his or her braincar?

A Chicago Charter School Hands Out Demerits... Do You?

Demerits are tracked at a Chicago charter school to help keep students’ behaviors and appearance in line.  Once 4 demerits have been issued within a two week period, the student must pay a $5 penalty.  School and city officials boast that this school policy dramatically reduces school fights and keeps grades higher than those at other schools.  The real testimony is the statistic that more than 90% of this school’s graduates enroll in college.

This type of discipline may work in an environment where teachers must focus on teaching lessons and fostering collaboration with a large group of teens who come from different backgrounds and home life.  For some students, this may be the only discipline or structure they experience and it is needed.  But it won’t work effectively when used in bonding a family.

If you’re not already doing it or if they’ve tapered off, start holding family meetings.  Children who feel like they’re a respected part of the team are more likely to cooperate and engage in the family.

Take measures to listen more than speaking to your kids.  Avoid trying to control the outcome of everything, especially your kid’s activities or issues.  Natural consequences speak louder than your words.

Make time for them just as much as you do for the activities you enjoy personally in your life.  Plan dates with each of your children and schedule into your calendar for the week to come.  More one-on-one time with a parent increases a child’s sense of self-worth.

Create a home life that is inviting for your children and especially teens to have their friends come over and hang out.  Not all parents parent the same way, so it is always better to have them bring their friends to your home so you can see who they are interacting with.

And finally, respect your child’s space by not forcing them to keep their room in “ship shape.”  Set up rules to keep food and electronics out of the bedroom and train them how to do their own laundry when you feel they are ready for the responsibility.  If you don’t like seeing a messy room, close the door!

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Six Things to do When Bending Rules in Parenting

There's a great story circulating on the Web right now where a Porsche 911 owner in San Francisco wasn't interested in abiding by a set of traffic construction rules and as a result, he drove is beautiful sports car straight into wet concrete.  I watched a similar incident many years ago while stopped at an intersection.  A guy driving a souped up truck, with huge mudder tires and way up off the ground grew impatient and drove up on the sidewalk to pass the line of traffic.  As he neared the intersection and was about to turn onto the main cross street, he drove over the stub of what was once a sign post and blew out his tire.  The embarrassment for these two drivers alone was the natural consequence of not following rules.

There is a varying level of risk one must accept when bending rules in society.  Rules are intended to keep everything fair and everyone safe, and for efficiency.  They are put in place for a reason.  So where am I going with this?  Reading this article this morning reminded me that the same goes for parenting; good parents put rules in place and reinforce them.  But some situations will arise in parenting when it might be a good thing to bend a rule for the benefit of a situation or even your relationship with your child.  Where many parents fail is in re-implementing the rules after the temporary bend.


If you're going to bend a rule now and then with your child, do the following six things:

• Announce the rule break as an official temporary change
• If necessary, document the rule AND the breakage
• Tell your child when it will go back into effect
• Be calm when your child tries to get you to break it again
• Let your child know that asking for rule breaks is OK
• If your child screams or throws a fit, calmly walk away

The way you react to your child's requests for rule breaks is key to building a strong parent/child relationship.  She will love occasional rule breaks and will grow to respect you even more by the way you handle her requests or her fits.


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Tips for Step Families

When step families are created, a bond between the step child and the step parent is not automatic. The child may go through a “honeymoon” phase and then a “rejection” phase before any sort of bond takes place. In order to get the child past the rejection phase successfully, the step parent should avoid being the disciplinarian, give the child plenty of space, and focus on connecting with the child in creative ways.

I can relate to this situation, as I am a step dad to a teenage girl and two grown boys.  When I first came into the picture, I made the commitment that I would not be the disciplinarian and instead, simply provide support to my new wife.  Of course, I would voice my concerns and opinions but I would do it privately to my wife.  It was more important that I build my relationship with my new 8-year-old step daughter, especially since her biological dad was somewhat in her life.  After about a year of bonding instead of disciplining, I had developed a relationship with her that allowed me to ease into providing more discipline.  Because of that, I am enjoying a wonderful relationship with that now 14-year-old beautiful girl who refers to me to her friends as her parent!


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