My Child Just Said %#@! Now What Do I Do?

When you set up a rule, there is a chance that it may get broken or challenged.  If it does, don’t get angry. For example, let’s say you state a rule such as,”Here’s daddy’s rule, no standing on the chair.”  Your child may think,”Hhmmm, let’s see what happens if I stand on the chair,” and then proceeds to do it.  Then of course, you get mad and yell.  Because your child is wired by design to test your boundaries, your reaction gives them the reward for breaking the rule!  Successful parenting includes NOT getting mad, NOT punishing or NOT responding with emotion when your child tests your boundaries.  When setting up rules to keep your child and others safe, or to preserve the boundaries of others, a consequence is required, not punishment.

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Why do our children say things to us like “NO!” or “You’re stupid!”?  Because they know you don’t like the word and it causes you to react.  Remember, they are little beings living in a land of giants and when a child is feeling less valuable or powerful, saying these kinds of words or phrases gives them the power over you they crave.  Usually, an adult in your child’s life has trained them to say it by reacting to it.  As soon as you say, “Don’t you dare say that word,” the child loves the response and thinks, “Hmm, I’m going to say it MORE.”  And what about those annoying potty words?  A classic situation is that your child may hear it being used by his playmates.

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For example let me use a word that isn’t bad but represents a bad word.  The word is “poo poo”.  Your son hears this word, perhaps at daycare and thinks, “Cool, I don’t know what it means but I like the sound of it.”  Then he tries it out and a teacher overhears it.  The adult responds with horror and reprimands him and says something like, “We do NOT use that word here!”  Your son quickly realizes the power it had over that adult, so when you come to pick him up and you are in the car on the way home, he gears up and out it flies, “POO POO!”  You react with shock and horror and say with heated emotion, “We do NOT use that word in this family!!”  They LOVE it when they can do something that makes you respond.  It is FUN and they will do it more.  Very simply, your reaction encourages him to do it more.

The more you relax and remain calm when power or potty words are used, the less likely your child is going to be motivated to use them.  If she is using it intentionally and you ARE remaining calm, perhaps she is feeling hurt somehow and is using it to get even with you.  If your child is using an inappropriate word that you just cannot allow, calmly set a boundary that you no one in the house is allowed to use that word.  Then have some fun with your child in coming up with an alternative word that she can use.  Be sure and give her the high energy reaction she craves when she uses the new appropriate word.  If done well, she will have little reason to go back to the old word.

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This is a brief excerpt from Bill Corbett’s new eBook, “10 Little-Known Facts About Kids That Will Change How You Parent Forever!”  Download the book today for just $4.99 by going to http://store.payloadz.com/go?id=1044394. 

Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS. As a member of the American Psychological Association and the North American Society for Adlerian Psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country (http://www.OnlineParentCoaching.com). He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse, the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International, and the management team of the Springfield Parent Academy. Bill's practical experience comes as a father of 3 grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three.  Get more parenting help at http://www.CooperativeKids.com.

Too Much Stuff Creates Emotional Choas

In some of my previous posts, I have commented on the issue of getting your kids to clean their room and how we should apply our energy to controlling what goes in that room, rather than demanding that they keep it cleaned.  But if it is too hard for you to ignore the messy room, there are some other things you can do as the parent to encourage your children to clean their rooms.   

Let’s say your child or teen wants to have friends over to play or hang out (depending on the development phase of the child), because having friends over is a privilege and not a right, you can now say, “I am willing to cooperate with you and allow you to have your friends over when your room is picked up (or organized).  You are willing to cooperate with them if they are willing to cooperate with you.  

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Let’s examine another issue that should be your concern… too much stuff!  If they have too many things in their room, it is time to simplify and thin things out. You can control what goes into the room, especially if their room is full of toys.  You want the bedroom to be designed to have as few visual and auditory distractions that keep them from becoming a peaceful child.  It should be a refuge for them to go to, to just be by themselves.  My wife and I have had so much pleasure watching our teen go to her room, spending time drawing, writing, coloring, playing her guitar or viola, or just being a girl, not wasting time on the Internet, watching television, or worrying about what everyone else thinks, absorbed by Facebook.

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A parent asked, “What if I don’t have the space for a child to have their own room? I have an 8 year old and a 3 year old and they have to share a room? The younger child sets up blocks or small toys and wants to leave them that way, and the problem is that they are in the way of the other child. My husband says she has too many.” I replied to this parent with a question, “Is there any way that you can rethink and set up your small apartment so that there is a zone or area for the younger child to play that is not in the shared space?”  Play areas are often better set up outside of the bedroom, using whatever you can find to partition off a section for each child to have for their toys.  It’s not ideal because it robs us of having that other space for us, but when you’re in a situation with small quarters, you still have to raise children.  The day will come when you’ll have the space you’ve always dreamed of having.

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This is an excerpt from Bill Corbett’s new eBook, “10 Little-Known Facts About Kids That Will Change How You Parent Forever!”  Download the book today for just $4.99 by going to http://store.payloadz.com/go?id=1044394. 

Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS. As a member of the American Psychological Association and the North American Society for Adlerian Psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country (http://www.OnlineParentCoaching.com). He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse, the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International, and the management team of the Springfield Parent Academy.

PLEASE PARENTS: Stop Doing Too Much For Your Child

The other day I watched a mother do everything for her child.  She kept getting up from the table every few minutes, responding to her child’s every request, even the things the child should have been doing for herself.  Finally, the mother had it and snapped at the little girl, saying that it was time for her to do some particular thing on her own.  The child slumped to the ground and began to scream.  The mother couldn’t take the crying and got up to retrieve the item her daughter originally wanted her to get for her.  The little girl took the item and threw it angrily. 

I think children truly want to do things for themselves but they become addicted in some fashion to controlling the parent to do everything for them.  If the mom in my story above doesn’t learn to set boundaries for her little girl, mom’s issues are going to escalate as her daughter gets older.  The little girl may easily become spoiled and be a burden for other family members and teachers.  

Each problem that a child experiences and brings to an adult has only one owner; it’s either the adult or it’s the child who owns the problem.  The sooner a parent trains a child to identify their own problems and fix them, the sooner the child grows to become more capable.  Watch the clip above from my television show where I lay out some basic steps on how to raise children to become more capable.

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Creating Cooperative Kids is a one-hour cable television show that provide education and guidance to caregivers of children from 18 months to 18 years of age.  Each episode features parenting experts and step-by-step instructions for parents on raising high self-esteem and cooperative kids.  See the entire episode at http://www.TheParentingShow.tv.

The show's host, Bill Corbett, is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish). He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse, the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International, and the management team of the Springfield Parent Academy. Bill's practical experience comes as a father of three grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three. You can get FREE parenting advice from him at http://www.CooperativeKids.com.

My Child Won’t Shut Off the Video Game!

Video game time is not a right; it’s a privilege and one we want to give to our children often.  Effective parenting means teaching your child that all good things (including fun things) are enjoyed in moderation.  Time activities such as these and get agreements with your child up front as to how long the game time playing will be.  Set a visual timer to manage it.  If the timer goes off and the child continues to play the game, put your hand gently on his back and guide him away from the screen and to where he needs to go.  

This is likely to work if you’ve taken the measures to set up the previous agreement.  What causes the biggest problem for us is what we say and the energy attached to it when we don’t get the cooperation we need and expect. A parent may say in frustration, “I TOLD you we have to go to the grocery store now let’s go!”  All that talking creates the largest part of the problem. When you demonstrate that you are not talking and not reacting, and you move forward calmly, you actually create a non-oppositional environment in the room. Don’t fight with the child. Move forward peacefully and calmly.  

I know that doing this is going to take some practice for many parents.  Another parent asked the question, “What if the child refuses to move away from the game and you can’t physically move them?”  Of course, just guiding the child isn’t going to work in this situation so you’re going to have to come up with a different game plan.   You must first ask yourself, “What would motivate my child to dig in their heels so deeply and resist? What’s going on with him that he is willing to fight with me over an issue?”  The first step is to let the child be angry.  Do not try to stuff his emotions by attempting to control how he feels.  It could be an indication that you’ve not been setting up very clear boundaries at home and being consistent with them.  

Now, let’s talk about all the things that I consider to be entertainment electronics, not academic or educational electronics.  I’m talking about television, video games, the Internet, or movies.  These things have little or no value and should be supervised and limited. I encourage parents to consider limiting their child’s access to entertainment electronics to no more than one hour per day.  If you set that up in advance and you announce, “Times up” when that hour has expired, then the child will not be surprised because you created that limitation in advance. If the child is getting angry, then the parent has not done their job to set things up calmly ahead of time.

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This is an excerpt from Bill Corbett’s new eBook, “10 Little-Known Facts About Kids That Will Change How You Parent Forever!”  Download the book today for just $4.99 by going to http://store.payloadz.com/go?id=1044394.  Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS. As a member of the American Psychological Association and the North American Society for Adlerian Psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country (http://www.OnlineParentCoaching.com). He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse, the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International, and the management team of the Springfield Parent Academy.  Get more parenting help at http://www.CooperativeKids.com.

Facts You Might Not Know About Your Child

Kids are kids and there are certain facts about kids that parents must first accept.  I want you to compare this to thinking about specific things about you. Let’s say you are a reader, you like to shop, you like to talk, or that you just like to watch TV a lot. These things about you aren’t likely to change. It’s just the way you are. In fact when we get into a relationship with somebody, we want them to understand that this is what I do and this is who I am and this is the way life is. I expect you to honor and respect me for who I am and work around that. 

We all have peculiar things we like to do or characteristics about us that we don’t really want others to try and change.  Now, let me compare this to children. Because there are certain things about our children that just are. One little-know fact is that they live only in the moment and they have no time management skills.  That presents a problem for us because we need to get “stuff” done.  We’ll say, “Let’s GO, we’ve got to get out of the house NOW”, especially if you’re dealing with an ADHD child, or a child with other disorders.  How can you possibly get out on time or get them to do their homework on time?

Most kids live only in the moment, especially young ones. Whatever is in front of them, the activity they are participating in, is the ONLY thing that exists. And YOU have the audacity to walk up to them and tell them to stop doing something or turn off their video game. There are things that you as a parent need them to do and it drives you crazy because they’re looking at you like “Why?!”  or “How dare you ask me to do something else right now.”

Little children can only focus on what is in front of them. You are operating on a totally different level than they are and often it’s because you have your mind chatter going a thousand miles a minute. That voice is telling you, “I’ve got to do this, go there, do that, make lunches, stop at the store,” and on and on.  Your child however, has no mind chatter about other things. The only thing going on in their head is what’s going on in front of them at that moment and nothing else.

This is an excerpt from Bill Corbett’s new eBook, “10 Little-Known Facts About Kids That Will Change How You Parent Forever!”  Download the book today for just $4.99 by going to http://store.payloadz.com/go?id=1044394.  Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS. As a member of the American Psychological Association and the North American Society for Adlerian Psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country (http://www.OnlineParentCoaching.com). He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse, the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International, and the management team of the Springfield Parent Academy. Bill's practical experience comes as a father of 3 grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three, and resides in the area with his loving wife Elizabeth and teenage step daughter Olivia.  Get more parenting help at http://www.CooperativeKids.com.

Misbehavior on the School Bus

School is back and some of us may feel a bit of relief to get our kids back there.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my children just as you do, but having them back in school can give us a little bit of a break and some breathing room after having them home all summer.  If your kids go to an all-year school, you may have only had them home for a few short weeks.  But a great part of the frustration we experience with our kids is not understanding why they behave the way they do.  We know they don’t come with a manual so I’ve done the next best thing!  I’ve written my 5^th published book, “10 Little-Known Facts About KidsThat Will Change The Way You Parent Forever.”  It could be that guide you’ve needed all along to better understand your child.  With this information, you will undoubtedly change your approach to challenging behaviors and end up getting better results.  The book is priced at just $4.99 so why not give it a try.  If you’re not happy with what you learn, I’ll refund your money.  Simply click THIS LINK to go right to the page to purchase the book.

One challenging behavior that we dread is related to how I started this post; when the school calls you to report that your child has done something wrong.  Many of us dread this call for many reason: we‘re embarrassed by our child’s behavior, we’re shocked that it was OUR kid and not someone else’s, or we’re frustrated because we don’t know how to fix a behavior that we’re not seeing at home. When we get that dreadful call, the first thing we want to do is to hear our child’s side of the story.  Some parents unfairly scold their child before they find out what really happened and others defend their child regardless of what happened.  We know that when the school gets involved, they expect us to do something about it.  One mother contacted me about a situation in which her child was misbehaving on the school bus and the school was going to likely ban him from riding the bus for a few weeks.  Watch this brief video where I tackle this dilemma and provide some suggestions on how to handle it effectively.

Bill Corbett is the author of the award-winning parenting book series, LOVE, LIMITS, & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (in English and in Spanish) and the executive producer and host of the public access television show CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS. As a member of the American Psychological Association and the North American Society for Adlerian Psychology, Bill provides parent coaching and keynote presentations to parent and professional audiences across the country. He sits on the board of the Network Against Domestic Abuse, the Resource Advisory Committee for Attachment Parenting International, and the management team of the Springfield Parent Academy. Bill's practical experience comes as a father of 3 grown children, a grandfather of two, and a stepdad to three, and resides in the area with his loving wife Elizabeth and teenage step daughter Olivia.  Get more parenting help from Bill at www.CooperativeKids.com.