Bill Corbett

My Blog Has Moved and I Hope You'll Join Me

2012-01-12T21:13:00.000-05:00

I hope you'll stop by the new location of my blog at http://www.cooperativekids.com/blog.html.

How to Connect with Your Teen

2011-09-25T19:18:00.000-04:00

Connecting with a teen is much different than bonding with a child. It requires having a strategy to get through the outer emotional layer created by a condition many teens suffer from known as PARENT ALLERGIES. It also requires having patience and being persistent with their knack for deflecting a parent’s attempts to connect.

Case in point, I was away for several days recently, conducting lectures in another state. When I arrived home my teenage step daughter Olivia was sitting at the breakfast bar in the kitchen doing her nails. I stood on the opposite side of the bar and greeted her whole heartedly. In her typical teenager tone of voice she responded with the word “Hi” as if she was asking a question. I asked her a few basic questions such as “how was school,” and “what’s new.” She answered with single words like “fine,” or “OK,” still in the disgusted question sort of tone. After a few moments of silence while maintaining my gaze and stance, she asked me what was wrong with me and why was I still here. I told her that I missed her and love watching what she was doing. She rolled her eyes without making eye contact and kept doing her nails.

So far I was using my patience to just be there with her. Then came the need for persistence to wait out the awkward silence and to ignore the motions of her shaking head and widening eyes. She was looking at me (almost) with contempt that indicated she may have been asking, “What are you still doing here in my space,” but without words. Then it finally happened; she began to communicate and share freely! It started with offering information about a weird kid at school and her opinion on what they should do about him. Following that comment were more observations of hers about school, her friends, what I was wearing, and questions about what we were having for dinner. I responded calmly to each of her remarks with interest, exclamations and open ended questions. It was the experience in that moment that I wanted to preserve and enjoy for as long as I could. It lasted for about ten minutes and ended when it seemed as if she suddenly became aware that the two of us were connecting and talking. Her talkativeness faded and the attitude returned to her tone as she packed up her nail polish supplies and disappeared into her room.

I miss the days of getting hugs from her, giving her piggyback rides to bed, and responding to her requests like, “Will you tickle my back?” But it’s a phase many teens must go through to on their journey to adulthood. Some parents report that they rarely, if ever, see this allergic type of behavior from their teen. To them I say, “Just wait awhile,” or “You’re a lucky one.” But the majority of teens have an automatic reaction to reject the closeness (physical and emotional) of the parent and this is normal. When you are presented with an opportunity to connect with your teen, take it quick. Enjoy it, savor it, and hold on to it for as long as you can. Here’s a video that will offer some more insight into the unusual (yet normal) behavior of a teen. Share your stories about your teen in a comment below. I'd love to hear them.

7 Tips for Easing Children's Fears of Hurricanes and Storms

2011-08-27T12:31:00.000-04:00

When preschoolers and younger school aged children see images of or experience disasters and large scale storms, it can really frighten them. They live in a world somewhere between reality and fantasy and often have difficulty telling the difference between the two. They also have not yet developed their full understanding of mortality or whether something on television is far away or close by. I was asked this same question following the Columbine school shooting in 1999, the World Trade Center attack in 2001, and the Tsunami or 2005. Here are some guidelines for raising children when something bad happens in the world.

Limit their exposure to televised news reports on the occurrence. This is a good time to fall back on effectively managing their access to the television by limiting the amount of time they watch it. If you have to watch it yourself, coordinate it so that they are involved in another activity at that time. There are numerous university studies that reveal the high amount of violence on television and the effects it can have on children. Some of these effects include becoming less sensitive to the pain and suffering of others, being more fearful in general, and an increase in aggressiveness toward others.

If they do see the news reports or hear about it from other sources, explain it to them clearly and honestly, and at their own development level so they will understand. Be ready to answer all of their questions and encourage your children to verbalize their worries and concerns. Look for stories where something good happened in the wake of the disaster. Most networks want to show you the gloom and doom of the event, but some will run stories where people or animals were saved and became heroes. I recall a story that ran after the Tsunami hit where a tourist reported seeing an elephant saving children from the approaching waves.

Watch for unusual behavior changes during this time. If you sense that they know about it but are not talking, the best thing to do is to create safe and loving opportunities for them to express how they are feeling. You’ll have better results by asking them open ended questions that they can answer in their own words. Remain calm and don’t force them to talk about it. If an unusual behavior occurs such as bedwetting, hitting, or sudden meltdowns, be patient and don’t get upset. Feel free to talk with your pediatrician if necessary.

Manage your own emotions. Even if you’re doing a great job at limiting the television, your children can still sense something’s wrong if you are worried or your moods are being affected by the events taking place. You may need to talk with someone to ease your own fears about the disaster. If you’re feeling sad and need to cry, take care of yourself by finding ways to get some alone time away from the kids. Don’t hesitate to lean on family and friends or seek professional counseling if necessary. It’s one thing for a child to see something scary happening, but when their “all powerful” parent is showing signs of distress, it can freak them out even more.

Fall back on your religious faith with regular prayer in your family meetings or attend special church services. You can bring attention to the victims of the tragedy and those who suffered by lighting candles to honor those who died in the disaster. If your children are old enough or you’ve taught them to handle candles safely, put a large candle in the center of the table to represent God or whatever life’s greater power is for you. Each family member then takes a smaller unlit candle with a drip protector on it and dips it into the larger candle to be lit. Candles with the special drip protectors are usually called “candlelight service” candles and are available at most Christian book or merchandise stores. You may even find them for purchase on the internet by doing a search on “candlelight” or “drip protector”. This exercise also teaches unconditional love and will help them feel safe. By blowing out the flame of their candle to represent being frightened or not feeling good, relighting it over and over from another lit candle shows them that love is never ending. They will also see that they can get that love from God’s candle in the center of the table, from mom or dad’s candle, or from their siblings.

Create or revisit your family evacuation plan. Setting aside time to do this and including the children in the development process will help them feel safe. Children automatically see their parents as magical giants who have all the answers and know what to do. Putting evacuation plans in place in the event of an emergency will demonstrate this power you have and will set their minds and hearts at ease.

Get involved with an organization that is taking action to provide services and supplies to the victims of the disaster. You may find many local groups such as the American Red Cross or Habitat for Humanity International that can use volunteers for packaging and collecting supplies. Many of these efforts may allow children to participate in some fashion. When your children see you giving to help others, it models for them the spirit of giving in their own way. It helps build the moral foundation you’ll want them to have as they grow.

Your children are small creatures exploring and learning about their world one step at a time. When something happens near or around them with high caliber, like a disaster or a storm, they will undoubtedly have great difficulty in understanding the causes and impacts of something of this magnitude. Be ready to comfort them and love them even more than usual. Be patient and be ready. You as their parent are the most important teacher they will ever have!

Getting Teenaged Boys Out of their Rooms in the Summer

2011-07-25T16:18:00.000-04:00

I recently received an email from a parent with a question regarding her teenaged son. She expressed her frustration over the fact that she couldn't get him to come out of his room and get involved in some productive summer-time activites. He seemed to be unmotivated at doing anything and if she asked him to complete a chore, he would acknowledge the request but not follow through and do it. Follow this LINK to read the full ready-to-print article and see a related video.

Raising Olivia - Don't Interfere with the application of makeup

2011-07-08T18:53:00.002-04:00

Those of you who follow my blog know that my wife and I are raising a teenager. My step daughter Olivia is now 13 and she is both a joy and a challenge to have. More importantly, she is putting my parenting skills to the test, skills I get to use every day.

My wife and I were having a discussion today about some errands we were going to run. During our coordination, Olivia shouted from her room that she wanted to see the new movie Transformers 3. I was delighted because she isn’t a real big fan of going to the movies and I was interested in seeing it myself. After a few more minutes of discussing our plans, I threw in that we could all go to see the movie in about an hour or so. My wife agreed and I walked to the door to Olivia’s room to find out how soon she could be ready to go.

Standing in front of her closed (and usually locked) door, I called out her name to get her attention. The sharp response of “What?” told me that she was most likely in her usual position in her room; sitting on the floor directly behind the door, putting on makeup in front of a 4 foot high floor length mirror. I then said, “If you want to go to the movies, could you be ready to go soon?” She quickly snapped back with, “Oh my God! No I can’t!!!” Her angry-toned voice reminded me that it usually takes her several hours to get ready to go anywhere. I responded with a calm, “OK,” and walked away smiling.

I was smiling because that brief encounter reminded me of how dramatic she is in response to just about anything her mother and I present to her, especially if it is unexpected or it interferes with her prep time at the start of each day. Anthony E. Wolf wrote a great book for living successfully with today’s teen. It is titled “Get Out of My Life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?... a parent’s guide to the new teenager.” He defines the differences between the boy and girl teenager and how they act and speak as they go through this tough time of transition.

Dr. Wolf will be joining me on the set of the taping of my next episode of CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS. The show is filmed at the public access television studio in Enfield, CT and airs on many New England public access channels. If you’re in Connecticut or Massachusetts and would like to be in the studio audience of the next taping on July 18th, go to this Web site and register for a studio audience seat: http://www.CooperativeKids.com. You can also watch past episodes there as well.

When Preschoolers and Toddlers Hit

2011-06-15T20:19:00.001-04:00

Hitting for this development phase is normal. So, what things are you doing to help the preschooler feel like the special "big brother" that he is? He should have special responsibilities WITH his little brother to redirect feelings of resentment; reading him stories, helping with his bath, being in charge of the diaper bag when you travel, etc. The more you make him feel special, the less likley he is to annoy and make his brother cry. Also, sometimes, the feeling of having been "dethroned" by a younger sibling builds feelings of resentment toward the parent and the child can transfer that resentment to the sibling. As far as removal, it is OK to remove the toddler if the preschooler hits or hurts him. The consequence is that he loses the opportunity to play with this brother if he behaves badly. Be sure the the preschooler has his own space to play, to address any feelings he may have that his sibling is invading his space. Make sure you are reinforceing positive behavior. Everytime the preschooler does something right, make a big deal of it. If he behaves badly, don't get emotional about it, simply act matter-of-factly by just removing the toddler. Young children are attracted to emotion. They will want to create excitement in you, so motivate him to create positive excitement, not yelling and getting angry.

A dad asked me what he should do when his 4-year-old son hits his 2-year-old sister. I informed him that preschoolers have not yet developed their social skills so it is unfair to get angry at them or punish them. I do realize that you may react out of anger because he could hurt her. You do however; have to keep the 2 year old safe. When preschoolers hit other children, it is a message that must be interpreted by the adult. It could be one of the following:

WHY IT MAY BE HAPPENING

1. He has had enough of her and needs to be separated from her, but not punished in timeout. Just separate them and give them time to cool off.

2. He could be using inappropriate skills that he learned somewhere, such as television or adult other relationships around him

3. He is being overpowered by adults in his life and knowing he can't exert power over the adults, it all flows down hill and he becomes powerful over those smaller than him

WHAT TO DO

1. Remain calm and avoid getting angry or emotional over it. If you do, you could end up giving this behavior value and motivation for him to repeat it. In other words, don't over react

2. As soon as he has hit his sister, all the attention goes to the little sister with no attention to him. If you can, include him nurturing his sister.

3. Separate them silently and with kindness. Avoid making him feel like he is bad or that there is something wrong with him.

4. When things calm down, get to his eye level and in a calm tone, tell him that "you can't let anyone hit in this house."

5. Whenever you DO see him getting along nicely with this sister, make a big deal out if and acknowledge good behavior

6. Make sure that he has plenty of alone time and space and is not always having to be or play with her.

One final note; little children don't see their siblings as wonderful gifts to love and enjoy. Instead, they sometimes see them as competition who could take his possessions away from him, including his parents. Do your best to see the world through his eyes

What to do if Your Ex is Parenting Differently Than You

2011-06-14T21:11:00.000-04:00

My wife and I noticed immediately how differently her teenage daughter behaves and treats us when she returns from a visit with her father. Oftentimes she is rude, abrasive, and immediately begins to complain about how our rules are stupid and how we are controlling her life. And why shouldn't she when her father has no rules. He shows up a couple of times a year to buy her favorite treats and give her gifts or money. Such is the case for so many parents whose children go to another parent's home for visitation. Some parents get similar behaviors from their children when they just go to a grandparent's home when discipline is handled differently. This is one of the frustrating challenges of the modern society... everyone doesn't parent the same. The times have changed and the ownership falls on the engaged parent to react in certain ways to the annoying behaviors we get when our child returns from a visit. Download my READY-TO-PRINT article HERE as a handout to share with others. It offers 5 things you can begin doing immediately.

Do you want to be RIGHT, or CLOSE?

2011-06-01T08:31:00.003-04:00

Catch yourself just before you're about to say something to your child, spouse, significant other, or anyone, and ask yourself, "is what I'm about to say going to bring me closer to that person, or make me right?" When it is our time to leave this world and face the greater power that created us, I doubt we will be judged on the number of times we were right, and instead, the strength of our relationships.

When a step son veers off the path

2011-05-31T14:26:00.000-04:00

An angel of a step mom of two teenage kids reached out to me for help with the oldest, a boy. She reported to me that his bio-mom's past ineffective parenting created enormous problems for the boy, and his new family. He seems to have given up with his school work, he became addicted to entertainment media, and he doesn't care about life in general. This step mom was also concerned that his behavior may have negative influence on his 13 year old bio sister and his new, younger, half siblings. Here is my response to her:

First of all, keep in mind that his grades and his school performance belong to him, not you. Unfortunately, if he chooses a path of destruction in school, there is not a lot you can do about it. Forcing him to study or punishing him won't work. If he is getting psychotherapy treatment, then you are doing all you can for him for now. There is the risk that he will screw it all up and end up having to go the route that I have seen many go... having to get a GED later in life. It is sad for a parent or step parent to have to stand by and watch it happen, but you can't save the world. Your only responsibility in line with his schooling are these things:

- provide adquate school supplies, a place to do his homework, and a schedule to meet those needs
- limiting fun stuff and entertainment electronics (Nintendo, TV, and computer) to minimize distractions
- being ready to say NO to some (not all) of the things that we "wants" from you (rides places, friends over, $$, etc.)
- NOT with holding unconditional love (time, love, affection, listening, participation, etc.) from him because he is choosing this path

You are right to be concerned about what the other children see, but I wouldn't worry too much that they will want to take that same path. Sheild them from seeing what's going on with him as much as possible. Keep conversations with and about him, private from the other children. If they say something like "It's not fair that he doesn't have to...," redirect them to something else and do not discuss his situation with them.

I don't support grounding, but I do support limiting the stuff on the cooperation list (from the exercise I shared with you) for him through the summer. Don't stifle him, just limit the nonproductive things. You may want to make a list WITH him and your husband about what he can and cannot do over the summer, but all things will be reconsidered when the new school semester begins. Focus on the things he does like to do; read, play instruments, educational or academic types of entertainment. See if you can work with him to find a productive activity over the summer, such as taking a course or two at the local college, such as computer repair, Web site design, or music composition. Explain to him that you are limiting many things, in hopes that he will discover some new talent or interests. I know it is hard to look for positive things when he has upset you, but keep in mind that much of his situation is not his fault. He was lead down this path, thanks to his mother and other influences. Handle him as if he has a disease. We don't get me at people (at least we shouldn't) who have a disease, we free them of any fault and focus on what we can do to improve their situation. The same goes for your step son. Treat him as if he has a disease that has taken control of him and focus on what you CAN do to save him.

And as you indicated, you may have to contine more "lock down" steps to keep him safe and away from temptations; computer monitoring software, surveillance cameras in the house, baby/house sitters while you're away, and more locks and padlocks. You may have saved these two kids lives and it may be years before you ever receive your thanks. You are an angel!

Why is Parenting More Difficult Today?

2011-03-29T10:49:00.000-04:00

The PARENTING STYLE of yester year was autocratic. The object was to control the child and that made it easier to parent. The autocratic parenting style is used by less families today due to social changes in this country that honor and nurture the human spirit. It has also come about by an explosion in the varying number of books and opinions published by differing methodologies and psychologists. Parents are confused as to how to raise children and many are just throwing their arms up in frustration and guessing their way through a very critical and difficult job. This is exactly what led me to get my psychology degrees, write my books, and develop my organization to help parents; Cooperative Kids.

TECHNOLOGY and SOCIAL MEDIA has changed drastically over the years and today, parents must stay up on the latest technology to know what to allow their child to have and use, and how to keep them safe secure from predators and their peers. Children today with cell phones, Facebook and the Internet are not safe and suffer from a "modern day" vulnerability that did not exist when we were children. Bullying for us ended at 3:15 when we arrived home. Because of technology and social media, bullying can now occur on a wider basis and 24 hours a day.

The ENTERTAINMENT AND ADVERTISING INDUSTRIES no longer have the best interest of the family and the child in mind and are leaving the policing to the parents. The problem is that the parents are over worked, stressed, and tired, and cannot be the catch-all to keep their kids safe from the free-flowing inappropriate material being pumped into the homes through the Internet and the television channels. Children are seeing television shows like Jersey Shore and The Bad Girls and begin believing that this type of inappropriate behavior is OK. So many parents are giving up the fight. In fact, entertainment moguls are targeting our children at incredibly early ages to "sign them on" as consumers. The entertainment industry has removed child safety from their products and services. The movie/television rating system has been down graded, more adult-related subjects and shows are being shown on televisions at earlier hours, game systems are making inappropriate video games for kids to play, music is easier to download to ipods and much of it is inappropriate for children and young teens.

The PRESSURE TO BE A SMART (AND STRONG) PARENT is very challenging, especially when it appears to many parents that "everyone else" is becoming more lenient and letting their children watch inappropriate television and have the latest unguarded technology and gadgets. This added to what some call the "new age of parenting" has parents caving to their children's requests (or demands) because, as they say in the defeatist mode, "they are going to see it somewhere." It is cute when a parent gives an 8 year old a cell phone, but when they begin sexting at age 13, it is too late to take the phone away. Many single parents are afraid of their child's rages at removing cell phones and Facebook accounts, afraid they will hear the dreaded words, "I'm going to live with my dad (or mom) because he lets me have a phone." It then becomes just easier to give in and hope for the best.

A Case Against Facebook for Kids and Young Teens

2011-03-25T17:38:00.000-04:00

I was involved in an online discussion regarding giving children and young teens access to the social networking application Facebook. My stance is a firm NO and I am outnumbered by parent educators who believe differently. Their position is to allow a child to have Facebook with some safeguards, if the parent believes that the child is emotionally or cognitively ready to use it responsibly, or if the child shows curiosity and a desire to use it. They also feel that social media tools are here to stay for adults and children should be included and trained to use them safely.

I advised my fellow parent educators that putting out general parenting advice to the world (as some in this group are) that children and young teens can be given limited or supervised access to Facebook because “social media is here to stay,” or because “the child is asking for it,” or because “every child is different and some may be emotionally or cognitively ready for it” is a mistake. It is a mistake primarily because of the parents who are on the low end of the continuum (or those who could end up there) who will follow this advice and then lose touch with their child’s online experience and increase the risks to the child’s safety.

Adult caregivers are at different "points on the continuum of successful parenting" and that everyone has the potential to reach the higher levels. I think that the parent educators involved in this online discussion are high on that continuum and few need any parenting help. But the majority of the parents I work with that do need help are on the low end of the continuum, due to economic, social, or personal issues. Many are sent to me by DCF or their therapist. Many live unbalanced lives or suffer from disorders. It has been my experience that these parents are usually incapable of setting up (and keeping in place) monitoring and having joint experiences with their children on the Internet.

The point I'm trying to make is this. If the parent educators in this discussion group are at the high end of the parenting continuum and they choose the belief (different from mine) that they themselves should allow their children to have a Facebook page when they express an interest in it, and to educate their children, discuss it with them, and get engaged in it with their child, then good for them. Because of their position on the continuum, their child will most likely remain safe, become Facebook savvy, and have a good social experience on Facebook. And like others have said in this discussion, they will be more experienced and have their wits about them when they become 16 and 17. Therefore, this makes the choice these parents made, a good choice for them alone. It should not however, be good advice for adult caregivers who are on the low end of the continuum. These parents are less likely (as I said earlier) to have a good relationship with their child, or less likely to have the time and energy (let alone knowledge) to implement safeguards and monitoring measures in place. Because, even if they do, they are less likely to keep up with them due to their unbalanced lives. The result could be the kids being left unattended to do as they please.

But this isn’t just about parents on the low end. Even some who are on the higher end of the continuum implement it, but then can’t keep it in place. One of my clients was an upper middle class mom who had it all going for her. She only disagreed with me on the “access to the Internet” issue and decided to give her two daughters semi-supervised and monitored access to various Internet tools (MySpace and Email) and everything seemed fine. Then her life became unbalance when her husband left her suddenly. The destruction of her marriage and the turbulent divorce consumed her. She was unable to keep up with the joint Internet time she had set up with her daughters and before too long, she gave them full, unsupervised access to alleviate the stress she was experiencing. This is where I say that the parent is burdened (as they should be) with having to keep monitoring and supervising all access to the Internet and related tools. Negative life changes for the parent could cause them to fall a few notches on the parenting continuum.

I am not attempting to villanize Facebook. I use it to maintain my social connections and I know the value of it. When my 13-year-old moves closer to the age of 16, I will take the measures to discuss the safety of Facebook and work with her to have a safe and reasonable online experience. I don’t believe that children and young teens should have Facebook because of two primary concerns; safety and the fact that the addiction of wanting to be on Facebook often will rob them of time better spent for self-discovery and exploration of their inner gifts and talents.

Hanging Out with Our Teens

2011-03-02T20:21:00.000-05:00

I have one left at home and she is 13. She is also my stepdaughter and a typical teenage girl. Connecting with a teen is tricky because they have to act like they don’t like their adult caregivers and avoid having to listen to them. Remember, I said “adult caregivers.” That means they are very likely to listen to other adults. It’s just in the wiring of adolescence and we parents just have to deal with it. Because of this, I always welcome alone time with Olivia, especially on a drive in my truck somewhere. That’s just how you connect with a teen, by hanging out with them with not a whole lot to say. I remember letting my own daughter paint my toenails one afternoon after asking her permission to just hang out with her in her room for a bit.

This past Sunday, her mom was singing at church and had to leave early for the first service. That meant Olivia and I got to sleep in a bit and show up for second service. As the two of us got into my truck for the 30 minute ride to church, Olivia went to put in her ear buds as usual and to tune out my music and the rest of the world. Just as she was about to turn on her iPod, I offered her the audio jack wire hanging out of my truck stereo. It’s the wire you connect any portable device to so that it will play over the stereo. I asked Olivia, “Hey, wanna share your cool music with me?” A smile overcame her face and she took me up on the offer. For the next 30 minutes, she jumped from song to song, playing all of her favorites and telling me all of the most obscure things that she knew about each band and the song that was blaring over the truck speakers.

To be honest, it was excruciating! Every song was sung by 19 to 20-year-olds, crooning about a girl and being in love. I could have sworn it was the same song over and over, with the words switched around and a different tune. I hated every song but remembered I was once in her shoes, listening to all the music my mother hated. I reminded myself that all the music she listens to has been pre-approved by her mother and I before it was downloaded from iTunes. So if there were no obscenities, screaming, or disrespect toward women in the songs, why did I dislike the music so much? After much thought about this, I realized that It all comes down to a bit of jealousy. Watching her face brighten up as she talked about her favorite band singer left me feeling a little hurt over missing that little blond haired girl she once was, whose face I could make light up with horsey-back rides down the hall, tickles at bedtime tuck-ins, and surprises pulled from my pocket when I arrived home from work.

On the ride back home after the service she talked up a storm even more energized than on the ride there. As we pulled into the driveway at home, she unplugged my stereo wire from her iPod and plugged her ear buds back in. In her normal “less excited” tone she simply said, “Thanks,” and walked into the house and disappeared into her room. I reminded myself that I had just “hung out” with my teen and it was awesome. It is hard to watch our kids transform through the various stages of development, especially adolescence. We feel like we’ve lost our babies and it’s hard to let go. But in those small, brief encounters with our teens, just hanging out, being with them, listening to their music, or letting them paint your toenails, are the ways to let them know you love them and care.

Creating Cooperative Kids Television

2011-01-01T11:19:00.000-05:00

In 2011, I will reach another milestone in my pursuit to help parents everywhere. On January 24^th I will make a dream a reality by launching the CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS television show in front of a live studio audience. Moving my workshops and presentations from the school auditorium or stage, to parent’s living rooms will enable me to reach more parents and more families. This one-hour program will have a talk show feel to it, featuring guest experts, parents with both questions and successes, and an opportunity for me to demonstrate step-by-step techniques for making positive changes at home. Here is a commercial for the show to tell you more about it and a preview of the open to the show.

So where will it air? You can bring it to your community by calling your local public access station (not public television) and telling them that you want to sponsor this new show. It won’t cost you or your PA station a cent. Each month I will provide them with a DVD with the most current episode to air on your local channel. For more information on sponsoring my show, contact me through my Website http://www.CooperativeKids.com.

10 Tips for Getting Kids into Bed On Time and to Stay There

2010-12-14T10:52:00.001-05:00

Whether children should be allowed to sleep in bed with their parents or in their own is a personal choice for the adults involved. I can quote experts and present evidence-based data to support both sides of this discussion. This article offers suggestions for those parents who have decided not to practice family bed sharing and who need help in getting the kids to their own beds and remain there.

Bedtime can be a very stressful time of day for families. Parents and children come together after a tiring day of work or school and yearn to reconnect with each other. While parents do want that reconnection, they also see an evening full of tasks that must be attended to before they can truly unwind and relax. But with all those dinner, homework and cleanup tasks that must be accomplished, it becomes difficult to allow that reconnection to occur as it should. Oftentimes, the children feel frustrated, sensing that their caregivers aren’t there 100%, so they express the frustration even further through misbehavior and a lack of cooperation.

When bedtime arrives, it can take an hour or more just to get the kids into bed and to remain there. By the time they do, parents are exhausted and dreading having to do it all again tomorrow night. Keep in mind that children don’t like to go to bed because it means the end to their day and more importantly, the end to their time with parents. They also seem to have this sense that a party begins once they are put to bed and don’t want to miss out, so they will do whatever they can to delay it. To help with this process, here are 10 things parents can do to make bedtime work more effectively.

6 PREPARATION STEPS FOR THE NEW BEDTIME
• Allow your child to find some way of personalizing her room. From picking out a new lamp shade to an entirely new paint scheme, letting her be as creative as possible will help her feel as though the room really belongs to her.

• Keep bedtime consistent and on time. Determine what bedtime will be going forward and announce it to the children. If an event or activity causes a late night, don’t let the plan fall apart. Reinforce the boundary the following evening and keep moving forward.

• Create a checklist of all bedtime activities that must be completed in the half hour or hour prior to bedtime. Allow them to help you make the list and then post it for all to see. For toddlers and preschoolers, create large drawings or cutouts to represent each activity and tape them at the child’s eye level on a wall in sequence.

• Minimize the amount of toys kept in the children’s bedroom. They are able to fall asleep best when there are few distractions in their rooms.

• Avoid allowing your children to have entertainment electronics such as televisions, DVD players, computers, or video games in their bedrooms.

• Purchase a visual timer to manage the schedule of bedtime activities.

4 STEPS FOR IMPLEMENTING THE NEW PROCESS
• On the day you decide to begin the new process for bedtime, make an official announcement that you’re going to do some different things at bedtime tonight. Be sure to get to the kids eye level and use an exciting tone of voice when announcing the change. Say to them, “Starting tonight, once you’re ready for bed and I have tucked you in, I can’t speak to or look at you until morning.” For younger children, role-play what it will look and feel like. It could frighten them if you suddenly stopped talking. Recreate bedtime with them so they will be prepared with having you not speaking or looking at them.

• Explain to the children that getting into bed on time and staying there is part of cooperation; the more they cooperate with you, the more likely you are to cooperate with them. Express to them that you are so excited that they are going to cooperate with you.

• Take cooperation one step further by asking for each child’s agreement to stay in bed. Ask her to repeat the agreement and then excitedly thank her for cooperating with you.

• Thirty to sixty minutes prior to the official bedtime, announce that getting ready for bedtime has now begun. Bring out the visual timer, set it, and end all stimulating activities, including television and rough play. Make all the bedtime activities, such as brushing teeth, potty, and getting into PJs fun by being playful with them. Children love competition and races, so consider “racing against the clock” with the visual timer to get all the activities completed in time.

Finally, tuck the children into bed with your traditional routines and commit to not using your voice or eye contact until morning. Now here comes the fun part… if they get out of bed, lead them back by placing your hand on their back and guiding them lovingly to their bed without speaking to them or looking at them. Do this as many times as necessary. By doing this, you are communicating to them that you are following through with your original intentions and they will respect you for it all the more. If your child calls out to you and you are sure it is not an emergency, ignore the calls for more water or stories. It is all a tactic to prolong having to go to sleep. If your child becomes uncooperative and collapses on the floor, gently pick him up and bring him to his bed. Do all of this without speaking to him or looking at him, and avoid having any expression on your face. Looks of frustration or anger may delight him and motivate him to keep up the battle. Start this new process on a night when you can stay up a little later, as you may have to make quite a few trips on the first night of this new process. If there are two caregivers in your home, both should be ready to behave the same way and carry out these new procedures. Here is your opportunity to show your child what firm and kind looks like. Good luck and stick with it!

[Download a FREE ready-to-print handout of this article by clicking here]

Bill Corbett is the author of the award winning book “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids” in English and in Spanish, and the founder and president of Cooperative Kids. He has three grown children, three step children, two grandchildren, and lives with his wife Elizabeth near Hartford, CT. You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

Six Ways of Teaching Children Gratitude

2010-11-24T10:53:00.000-05:00

Teaching Them to Say It.
The phrase "Thank You" seems to lose its value when used too often or when it’s hard to embrace being thankful; so how about changing the word to bring it more into your child’s consciousness. Create some opportunity to enjoy diversity by teaching your child how to say thank you in a different language. My grandparents came to this country as immigrant children from Poland. They taught me to say thank you in their native language as Dziekuje (approximate pronunciation JE • KOO • YUH). I found an Internet Web site that has the expression thank you translated in over 465 languages: http://www.elite.net/~runner/jennifers/thankyou.htm. Similar sites can be located through your Internet search engine (such as Google or Yahoo).

Helping Them to Visualize It.
Regular meetings are an integral part of generating a strong family. This get-together held a few times a month helps develop the family as a loving team. One possible activity in a family meeting is to have each person draw pictures of the things for which they are most thankful. The pictures could then be posted on the wall or on bedroom doors. One father I know even drew pictures of what he was most thankful for — his children. This helped his kids understand that he was grateful for more than just material objects.

Show Them What It Looks Like.
I can’t help but return to one of the most important methods for teaching our children: Setting an example. We have every day with our children to teach them to express gratitude by thanking them ourselves for what they do. Acknowledging their acts of service or follow-through on agreements and responsibilities sets them up for success and creates habits they will internalize from us. And for those of us who desire to raise our children with spiritual or religious traditions, thanking God in regular prayer for all that we’ve been given sets an example of humility, an appreciation of a power greater than we are, and for life itself. At the very least, say "thank you" to others in front of your children. Say it often and mean it!

Teach Them How To Write It.
A tradition that seems to be missing from today’s business world, the community and the family, is the thank-you note. I’m not referring to text messages, e-mails or greeting cards, just the good old-fashioned written words of thanks. I make it a priority as often as I can to write thank you notes to those who helped me accomplish my goals throughout the past week. I encourage you to seek opportunities to leave thank-you notes in your child’s lunch bag or backpack, thanking them for what they did to help you or simply just for being here.

Teach It Through Active Giving.

Teaching a child to be truly thankful can be taught most effectively by first teaching them to give to others, especially during the holiday season. Consider encouraging your children to cull out some of their clothing or toys. Find a local charity that accepts donations and allow your child to participate in the process to determine what will be donated, including going along on the trip to make the actual drop-off of the items. It’s always much easier for us to get it done, but allowing them to participate creates invaluable learning opportunities. Allow your children to create things with their hands and bring them to others who need some cheering up. If your children are older, volunteer at a local soup kitchen during the Thanksgiving or Christmas holiday. Set up a process for your child to break up money they receive from chores or holidays into separate containers or envelopes for saving, spending and donating.

Teach Them About the Thanksgiving Holiday.

Finally, teach them all about the history and traditions that led to the creation of Thanksgiving Day. Using family meetings, books, pictures, web sites and movies to help them understand the origin of the holiday will give them the foundation they will need for their future. Remember, our children are living representatives that we send to a time we will not see!

Social Networking Tools Were Intended for Adults Not Children

2010-11-13T16:21:00.000-05:00

It was a call for help from a parent I once helped with parent coaching, about eight years earlier and 1000 miles away in another state. As she explained how I had helped her immensely in raising her two little girls, who were aged 6 and 8 at the time, it didn’t take long to refresh my memory as to how we had crossed paths at one of my earliest parent lectures. Admitting she incorporated most of my advice, she revealed that she was calling for desperate help with one particular issue that she regretted not heeding advice in my teaching - no cell phones or online social networking tools for children.

What Was Once Cute and Innocent
This desperate mom explained how she allowed her girls to have cell phones at an early age, pressured by the influence of “everyone else was letting their kids have phones, so what was the big deal.” She went on to tell me that it was cute in the beginning when they were little, texting a few of their little friends and getting so excited, sharing information about their latest favorite boy band or outfit they bought. She also liked the fact that she could contact them anytime and anywhere. But things began to change as the girls matured. They grew more secretive about whom they were communicating with and they didn’t always answer the phone as quickly as they once did when she called to check on them. And whenever the mom would ask to see the phone, or ask who they were texting, the girls grew more defensive and a casual question began to erupt onto rages that generated screams such as, “You don’t trust me,” or, “I have a life too ya know!” As the girls became teens, the rages grew so intense that it just became easier for the woman to leave the girls alone and avoid checking up on their cell phone use.

By the end of the call, the woman was in tears and admitted that her now almost 15 year old had been sending inappropriate images to a boy and was setting up a rendezvous outside of the house after the parents had gone to bed. She said to me, “Taking the phones and Internet away is going to be too difficult, so what else do you suggest I do?”

This final statement by this mother is one I have heard many times from parents seeking me out for help. Their child’s protective and defensive responses in outbursts of anger have taught the parents to back off and not interfere with the child’s unsupervised access to social media tools such as cell phones, email, and Facebook accounts. The parents then find it easier to hope and pray their children will be safe, rather than to take a stand and undo what they started when it was cute and innocent many years earlier. Two astounding statistics came from a survey conducted recently by the online privacy company TRUSTe; that 84% of parents polled actually believe that their children are responsible with private information and 42% of teens polled admitted they will accept Facebook friend requests from people they don’t know.

Do Cell Phones Really Keep Children Safe?
Some parents take the position that they want to be able to contact their children at any time, especially if their child rides a city bus to and from school, or if the parent is ever trapped in a traffic jam or stuck at work. If your child can be found in situations regularly without you or not under the immediate care of an adult, than perhaps a cell phone may be necessary. For these situations, many carriers are now offering devices with parental controls that offer safety and limited use on the device. These features are a good option if the parent is convinced that the child must have a cell phone. It is also important to know that smart children are breaking the security and figuring out how to access the controlled features, or they are getting older and techno-savvy children to do it for them. The bottom line is that setting up a device with parental controls may have good intentions, but it becomes one more thing the parent has to keep track of and control. Feeling overwhelmed with things to remember and police, some end up giving up and removing the limitations just to make life easier for themselves, but dangerous for their children.

Many parents are going to agree with my point of view and have already taken the tough approach to saying no and limiting their child’s access to social networking tools. Others are going to read this column who have been bitten by the “halo effect” bug in parenting, saying things like, “My child is different, I know she wouldn’t do anything I wouldn’t want her to do.” Some will voice their objections to what I’ve written here by sending emails or letters to this publication or directly to me, and we will both welcome the feedback as a chance for dialogue. To these adults, however, I urge them to consider the effects of the onset of normal changes in their children, like hormones, risk-taking, and curiosity. Consider how these changes will affect the dynamics of what was once cute and innocent when combined with tools intended for adults.

I could have written this piece solely based on research results and statistics. Instead, I wrote it using evidence I continue to see in my experience working with parents. A few weeks ago, I met a mom whose child is a friend of my 12-year-old stepdaughter and who knows many of the other mutual friends of our kids. She revealed to me how she received a friend request from a child who is one of those mutual friends, and accepted the Facebook friend request simply to help keep an eye on her. Not long after becoming online friends, she cautioned this little girl about her language and behavior on Facebook, after reading inappropriate posts. Unfortunately, we both know this little girl’s mother is not online herself and falls in the 84% of naïve parents!

One day my stepdaughter’s friend shared a shocking fact with me; that a classmate of theirs told them she couldn’t live without the next episode of Jersey Shore! This girl is twelve years old! Liberally thinking parents may be saying, “They are going to see it somewhere, so why be so uptight about it?” Allowing children, tweens, and young teens to watch reality shows like the Kardashians and The Bad Girls, have a cell phone, and use Facebook, may make them popular parents today, but what are they setting their children and themselves up for when their kids mature?

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Monsters in the Closet: Settling Children’s Nighttime Fears

2010-10-13T22:52:00.000-04:00

When my first child came along and I didn’t know any better, I made the fatal “dad mistake” when it came to helping her battle the monsters in her bedroom. Unwittingly, I would frequently grab a baseball bat and head into her room in hopes of quelling her cries for help by standing ready to battle the imaginary monsters. As I lay on the floor swinging at those nonexistent creatures, I remember shouting out in a Ray Romano like voice from the television show Everyone Loves Raymond “there, I got all those mean monsters and now they are all gone.” But when I got up off the floor and attempted to kiss her goodnight so I could leave, she would announce that the monsters had escaped my attack and were now hiding somewhere else in the room. Each of my next attacks only led to the monsters mysteriously moving to yet another location when finally, my patience would be tried and I would usually end up snapping at her that the monsters were gone and ordering her to “go to sleep.” She would end up crying and I would end up feeling like badly. I would then try to console her and eventually give in to her pleads of something silly like leaving her light on or letting her stay up later as means to helping both of us feel better.

Based on my conversations with many parents, the scene I described above may be going on in many homes in the evening hours; loving parents trying to solve their children’s problems with being frightened at bedtime. Well known pediatrician and expert in child development, T. Berry Brazelton, tells us in his book Touchpoints (Perseus Books, 1992) that fear comes in various forms at different stage levels of the child’s development. He points out that the occurrence of this fear must happen in order for the child to develop a sense of self-control over the feelings of fear. The onset of fear activates a sudden surge of adrenalin that serves to teach a child how to handle this physiological reaction and to learn to sooth him or herself in that moment. Throughout the various development stages, a child has a number of life experiences that, without warning, throws him or her off balance. These occurrences provide learning opportunities for the child to adjust and adapt to the surrounding world.

Parents unknowingly play a key role in their child’s fearful experiences by helping them through it, not making a bigger issue of it than it should be. Without this awareness however, many adults inappropriately set out to eliminate the fear from their child’s experience as I had done, and rob the child of the ability to adapt and self-manage their emotions. It is an uncomfortable situation to see your child hurting emotionally and it becomes an automatic reaction of loving and uninformed parents to want to “make it all better” for their child, rather than allowing them to have the full experience. Caregivers also get in the way of their child’s normal emotional development by attaching themselves to an experience their child has that simulates one they themselves have had at a younger age. The child suddenly becomes frightened of dogs. Seeing this reaction in their child, it instantly reignites the unresolved fear of dogs the adult had as a child. The adult then relives this childhood fear, adding their own anxiety to that of the child, inappropriately intensifying the fear for the child.

Giving in to the child and focusing on the monsters is not the answer. I suggest to parents that they help their child focus on what to do about the feeling and not on the monster. I encourage adult caregivers I’m working with to help the child focus on what he or she can do to affect his environment that might be causing the fear. By the time my other two children came along, I had learned not to focus on the monster and instead, helped to coach each of them to determine what they could do that would make their room less scary. In other words, acknowledge the feeling of the fear, but then transfer all of the rest of my energy (and theirs) to helping determine what they could do about it. When my child would say, "there is a monster in my closet (or under the bed)," I would immediately say "It looks like you’re feeling scared... what do you think you could do to make your room less scary?" Sometimes my child would respond with "I don't know." I would then immediately say "Make believe you know." This seemed to give them permission to be creative. They would then come up with some possible solutions. One time, the solution my young daughter came up with was "I know, I can sleep with you!" I then said "That's a good idea, but Daddy is not willing to have anyone else sleep with him... what else can you come up with?" This exercise encouraged her to continue to generate ideas until she thought of one that I was OK with.

Society puts so much emphasis on each of us working so hard to acquire our academic education, but rarely are we taught about the importance of increasing our emotional intelligence. Strangely enough, our prisons are filled with those who can read, write, and add, but it was most likely their inability to manage their emotions that got them there to begin with. The next time your children become fearful about a monster in their closet, simply acknowledge their feelings and then coach them into developing a constructive solution of making their room less scary. The result for them will be feeling like they can adapt, manage their feelings, and realize the power to manipulate their own surroundings to diminish those uncomfortable feelings. It may also lead to you healing unresolved feelings of your own.

Bill Corbett is the author of the award winning book “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids” in English and in Spanish, and the founder and president of Cooperative Kids. He has three grown children, three step children and two grandchildren. You can visit his Web site http://www.cooperativekids.com/ for further information and parenting advice.

Why Tweens are Embarrassed by Their Parents

2010-09-15T14:15:00.001-04:00

My step daughter Olivia is a tween and her mom and I are watching her out the window as she provides us with proof of the characteristics of this age group. The classic tween is an interesting species of the human race, still hanging on to child-like behaviors and yet, demonstrating some signs of maturity. At this moment, Olivia has two friends over to the house and they are standing by the side of the road, dancing. She is wearing a green colored winter ski cap with a cartoon character on the front, pulled down over her ears, and her female best friend is wearing a brown furry hat, complete with horns, resembling a buffalo head. Standing alongside of the two girls is a mutual male friend from down the street. He is wearing a comically oversized pair of sunglasses and a bright blue wig from a Dr. Seuss Thing 1 costume. Standing on the sidewalk, they are each doing their own dance routine, attracting the attention of motorists passing by and receiving frequent horn honks of approval. With each blast of a horn, they shout out with glee over their reward for their comical behavior. While the three of them could easily pass physically for a young teenager, their behavior indicates otherwise.

The Power of the Peer
This sometimes fragile and transitional time for the older child begins a critical phase in development of relationships with peers. In his book Get Out of My Life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?, Anthony Wolf, Ph.D. (Farrar, Straus and Giroux Publishing, 2002) tells us that two relationships are most critical to the development of the child; the parent and the peer. But beginning around the age of 10, peers take on a greater role in the tween’s and teen’s development of their self-image. Their true happiness, he tells us, begins and ends with friends.

Where Did My Sweet Child Go?
What becomes hard for many parents and other caregivers of tweens is the disconnect they start to feel and observe. The tween begins to take the parent for granted, sees adults in general as flawed and annoying, becomes easily embarrassed by the parents, and if they do seem to look up to any adults, it is never their own parents. As a result, adults oftentimes feel hurt and angry, feeling the pain of “losing their baby” to the alien that seems to have suddenly inhabited their sweet child’s body. The parents become defensive and then accuse their child of being ungrateful for all that the parents have done for them up to this point. But as experts like Wolf tell us, this disconnect must occur and it must be successful for the evolving child-adult to blossom. The secret is that tweens and teens begin to see themselves as flawed and far from perfect. They then begin to look for the flaws in the adults around them and if they are able to see them in their parents and other adults, they will believe that they too can fit in to their new world. The result will be a successful transition to eventual adulthood. But it the child sees all of the adults as perfect and unblemished, they own self image will be flawed and they will not adapt in a healthy manner.

What You Can Do To Help Your Tween Adapt and Grow
As I revealed in my own example with Olivia above, we take the measures to provide her with a safe environment within our own home where she can invite her friends to come and “hang out.” Immediately following their episode of roadside antics on this one particular day, the three of them retreated to the backyard deck with an FM radio, sodas, and a fresh pizza. We were sure to close the glass patio doors to provide them with the feeling of privacy, yet we made frequent walks past the glass doors to check on them. This is the important job of any good parent of tweens and teens, creating the environment that is conducive to social development with peers and yet far enough away from the parents to give them their own space. We set up clear boundaries and check in often.

Creating Safety for Tweens

Clear boundaries and limits to the media and electronics that tweens have access to is also critical to creating safety. It is my opinion that too many parents allow their children to have access to dangerous and useless things for three reasons; just because they exist, because everyone else is doing it, or just because they fall victim to their tweens wearing them down. For example, in our home, all tween visitors are asked to turn in their cell phones, PDAs, and laptops. It is important that Olivia’s mother and I know who they are communicating with while in our care. As a result, some of the parents of Olivia’s friends were outraged with our decision; while others adapted and have their children leave the devices at home. Olivia does not have a cell phone and won’t have one until she’s at least 15 or 16 years of age. And when it comes to the Internet, we know it is no longer the fun and limited novelty that many of us remember. Today if offers unbridled access to things tweens just don’t need to see. The increase in cyber bulling has created more danger than good with social media tools such as Facebook and MySpace. Olivia has access to the Internet for any academic purposes that come up in her school work, but entertainment access is limited and controlled. I can’t tell you the number of parents who have contacted me for help on this topic. So many of them gave their children unsupervised access to the Internet, a cell phone, or social media tools as tweens or younger, saying back then, “I know my daughter (or son) wouldn’t do anything that I wouldn’t want them to do.” This halo effect in some families creates blindness that is hard to undo when bad things happen. One mother contacted me for help because her daughter was 15 and setting up secret rendezvous with boys after the mother went to bed.

The Tween of today feels more empowered than any generation before them. Without the right frame of mind for the caregiver adult, this empowerment can appear to be mouthy, ungrateful and obnoxious. To be successful with this modern day tween, be open to new ideas and relax. Know that the behavior you see is their way of growing into the strong adolescent you want them to be. It all requires you to give them room, create respectful boundaries, and remain close by to keep them safe. For more help, see my book on Amazon; Love, Limits, & Lesssons: A Parent's Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids or visit http://www.cooperativekids.com/

Contest Winners Chosen

2010-08-16T10:09:00.000-04:00

As some of you know, I was running a contest for anyone willing to sign up to join this blog, and giving away timers, t-shirts, and books. My latest contest ended yesterday and I just drew the winners. The Timer goes to Bron Mitchell, the T-shirt goes to Paula Comeau, and the book goes to Cathy. If you're one of these folks, email me at bill@cooperativekids.com and provide me with a mailing address. Thank you all for joining and be watching for more subscriber giveaways.

If you want some free help with managing your children's behavior, or help for someone else, stop on over at my Web site http://www.cooperativekids.com/ and see a new Quick Solutions edocument that you can download for free. This new document asks you 4 important questions to help you come up with solutions for effective parenting. Keep in touch and let me know how I can help you.

Doing Less Teaches Them To Do More

2010-08-11T15:39:00.000-04:00

One day in 1994, my 9-year-old daughter called me at my office to tell me that she had left her lunch money at home again and needed me to bring it to her. This typical forgetfulness by my children was quite annoying but something I thought I was supposed to resolve as a father. On my ride to the school, I couldn’t help but think about the inconvenience. More importantly, I suddenly became concerned about how irresponsible my daughter would eventually be as an adult if I was constantly remembering for her or rescuing her. That evening, I gathered my three children for an impromptu family meeting to discuss a few changes that would take effect immediately. I announced that from now on, they were solely responsible for remembering to bring with them any items they needed for school that day — lunch money, homework, and school projects. I advised them that unless it was required for health and safety reasons, I was no longer willing to run home and retrieve what they left behind. My responsibility as a dad teaching his children about limits required me to draw a personal boundary. During that meeting, I also took the time to help them come up with ideas that would enable and empower them to remember on their own.

For the next few weeks, my plan worked and the kids were so proud of themselves with their new sense of responsibility — until one day, my 9-year-old daughter called the office. Expressing worry and distress, she told me she had left a book report poster due that day on the dining room table. She described to me how much time and effort she had spent working on it the night before. She then confirmed that she was aware of my new “dad rule” about leaving things at home, but pleaded with me to bring it to her or she would receive a bad grade on the assignment. She promised that this would be the last time that she would ever call me for anything like this. My initial feeling at that moment was that I could go and get it for her, “just this one time,” because I loved her so much and didn’t want her to fail. But I knew that doing so would violate my boundary and teach her that limits are set to be broken. One of the hardest moments while raising our kids was my decision to tell her that I was abiding by the new family rule, and I was unwilling to retrieve the poster. I wished her a good day, hung up the phone, and cried in my office. As it turned it out, the teacher agreed to give her partial credit for the assignment if she brought it in the very next day; my daughter remembered for herself from that moment on.

Shortly after that incident, I decided they were ready for more responsibility so a new rule was set up; I would give the children their lunch money on Sunday nights for the week. They were now responsible for paying for their lunch each day. For some reason, our particular school system would not accept lunch payment in advance for the week so this created a unique challenge. In our discussion about the new rule, I decided that if they lost their lunch money, I would not replace it, and they would have to bring something from home to eat that day — consisting only of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, crackers with peanut butter, or fruit if available. The point was that if they lost their lunch money, it would not be my requirement to prepare something for them to eat; that was their responsibility. I was also unwilling to be responsible for purchasing any special foods or making anything. They could bring a lunch that they could make on their own — something that I approved. I do know that some parents thought I was a mean father for taking this approach, but my goal was to develop responsible and capable children.

One evening at home, my son entered the kitchen dragging a dining room chair over to the counter. We had a few adult friends visiting and he excused himself to clear a path as the adults moved out of this way. He stepped up on the chair and opened the cupboard, taking down a box of crackers and a jar of peanut butter. One of the visitors asked him what he was doing. Without any hesitation, he told them that he had lost his lunch money and was making his lunch for the next day. I got some very strange, judgmental looks. But I had made the decision long ago that I was not in this world to please others or live by their standards. I was a father and I was taking my role very seriously. Today I’m enjoying watching that same little boy as an adult, planning ahead, setting clear boundaries for himself and others, and making wise decisions.

Raising cooperative and responsible children requires teaching them about clear, respectful limits and boundaries. It helps them to become self-sufficient and teaches them personal responsibility. As parents, we love our children dearly, but with our busy schedules and the limited time we have to spend with them, we’ve become convinced that we need to do more for them, rather than teaching them about limits in advance. And once limits are set up, we have to remember that because our children are wired to explore, they will test those limits. Refrain from punishing your children when they test your boundaries, and remain calm. Realize that if you’ve done everything for them in the past and have decided to suddenly make changes, their normal reaction may be to push your boundaries even more. Our children want to know “who’s flying the plane”; it’s up to us to show them we’re the pilot and in charge!

Eight Tips for Raising "Terrific Twos" Bully-Proof!

2010-07-23T18:31:00.000-04:00

If you’re seeing instances of your child getting pushed around by other children, does this mean that he may easily fall victim to bullies in the play yard? If it is your child doing the pushing and hitting, could she become the bully in later years? Experts agree that the traits children demonstrate during the “terrific two” period (18 months to 6 years) reveal some of the characteristics the child could possess as they grow up. Adults have the power to change some of the social interaction traits they see in their children with simple techniques for these formative years.

1. Provide good examples

Be sure that conflict resolution in relationships the child is exposed to, are healthy and positive examples she can learn from. The adults in a child's life are living, breathing models. It’s OK for adults to have respectful disagreements with other adults in front of the children, just be sure they see the follow up discussion or the appropriate “make up” when a resolution has occurred.

2. Limit Electronics Bullying and Violence
Preschoolers are little sponges and "soak up" whatever they are exposed to. Violence in cartoons, commercials, and video games are played out in their play sessions with others. Provide position electronics learning experiences instead. If an inappropriate scene comes on the television, explain to your child what they just saw in a way he can understand and if necessary, turn it off.

3. Set up rules in advance

Talk to your child when he is open to learning something new about the rules of behavior, such as "hitting is not OK," or "I cannot let anyone hit another in this house (or classroom)." Say it with a calm and firm tone of voice, not in a scolding manner. When you see examples of appropriate behavior from your child, let her know by making a big deal out of it. It is OK to be animated with a preschooler and to give her a little bit of praise in regard to her behavior.

4. Avoid giving the bully attention

When one child gets aggressive with another playmate, avoid charging in to scold the aggressive child. Instead, put all of your immediate attention on the victim and if possible, include the aggressive child in the nurturing of the hurt or crying child. Once the emotion clears up and everyone is calm, take the aggressive child aside and at his eye level, remind him of the established rules about keeping hands to yourself. Make that encounter brief and then let it go. Avoid creating a lot of drama or guilt over it. If the aggressive child is punished, it may motivate him to do it again to get even or to get more inappropriate attention.

5. Keep playtime with others brief

During the phase of the “terrific two,” the child is learning about the social experience. They don’t automatically see their playmate as you do, so their feelings toward the other child can change suddenly. Instances of hitting or being aggressive may be indications that the children need to be separated or they have had enough of each other for the day. Don’t get angry or over react, just end the play time and reschedule it for another day.

6. Build their emotional intelligence

Children who purposely hurt other children have under developed emotional intelligence (the ability to know how someone might feel). Preschoolers do not yet have a developed emotional intelligence, so don't hesitate to begin helping them develop theirs. When you see them experiencing emotion (positive and negative), get to their eye level, look curious at their expression, and tell them what you see, such as "You look sad." Or if they bring a problem to you like "The kids won't let me play," say to the child, "It looks like you're sad that they won't let you play with them. What do you think you could do so that they will let you play with them?"

7. Help your child feel powerful

It's too easy to fall into a mode of being efficient and trying to get everything done exactly how you want it done. But in the process, we overpower our children to get where we need to be. Children who feel over powered also feel like they have no say in matters and are very likely to act out the need to be powerful over other children. Look for ways for your child to have and feel some sense of power in daily life and they are less likely to overpower someone else.

8. Help your child become capable
According to a recent article on the American Psychological Association Web site, a child who lacks problem-solving skills are more likely to become a bully, a victim, or both. Avoid doing too much for your child and let them perform age-appropriate tasks as often as possible. If they whine because they want you to do it for them, don’t rescue. Their whining is a way of venting frustration and manipulating you. Let the whining and struggling occur and be ready to provide encouragement with every small success.

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES:
Download a PDF handout of this article by clicking HERE
Go to the Cooperative Kids Web site for more information

Secrets for Getting Teens to Help Out More

2010-07-09T15:36:00.001-04:00

Have you ever seen or experienced this scenario: you (or another parent) arrive home from a grocery shopping trip and walk in with arms full of over stuffed bags. You see your older kids intently focused on a video game or a television show and shout out, "Please give me a hand and bring in some grocery bags from the car." Your plea for help seems to fall on deaf ears and if you are successful at getting any of them to move, they drag themselves out to the car and walk in with one bag, place it on the table, and return to the video screen. Resentment then rises from the pit of your stomach because of all the things you do for them (like buy them video games or 42" plasma screens to watch them on) and you storm into the room where they are playing and either use the guilt parenting tool or you shut off the screen and yell (or just walk out). Want to change that scenario from playing out any further? Read this FAMILY GOES STRONG blog post with helpful tips for getting better results: http://www.familygoesstrong.com/top-10-ways-get-teens-help-out. The article contains contributions from other great writers including yours truly.

The Four Ways We Teach Our Children to Lie

2010-06-15T10:19:00.002-04:00

A mom recently told me she had been using praise to motivate her three-year-old daughter to stay dry through the night. If the little girl awoke each morning with a dry diaper, her mom would praise her. One particular morning the child apparently took off her diaper and brought it to her mom to show the great results and receive her praise. But later that morning, mom found the REAL diaper that was worn that night–hidden in the child’s bedroom and wet!

I don’t normally support praise, although the exception can be when working with toddlers and preschoolers. Praise can be effective when teaching something new that may be difficult for very young children to master. Praise can give them confidence and motivate them to cooperate with you. The acceptable form of praise in these cases is in expressing delight for your child’s accomplishment but avoiding labeling them as a good boy or girl. Adults must be cautious because the side effects of this praise can be motivation to do whatever it takes to get more. From the child’s perspective, having a caregiver express delight in something you have accomplished feels great and you usually want to get more.

We teach them to lie to get our approval
In the case above, the little girl loved the praise she was getting for her dry diaper in the morning and learned to hide the wet diaper to please her mother. Even though this example was about a young child, children of all ages learn quickly about getting our approval at all costs. The caregiver’s approval feels good and a child will do whatever he can to get it.

Children lie to protect themselves
My parents obtained their parenting tools from their parents. The penalty my siblings and I received for the C’s, D’s, and F’s on school papers was a whipping from a belt. Because my parents used fear to motivate us to perform, fear is what I felt as a child. To protect myself from what I feared most, I quickly learned how to change grades on papers, hide or destroy my work, or lie about the grades I received on assignments. I often think about where I might be today academically if my parents had responded differently.

Hopefully you are not using old tools our parents may have used on us. But think about how you respond to your children when their performance is not where you think it should be. How do you react emotionally and physically when they make mistakes, make poor decisions, or explore the world? If you yell, get angry, punish, or demonstrate other forms of disapproval, might you be teaching them to lie?

Parents force their children to be nice to others
Have you ever told your child to be nice to a playmate or relative, or forced them to say they’re sorry? Young children don’t always see other children as equals. The process of developing social skills takes time and patience. When one child is mean or disrespectful toward a sibling or playmate, it usually is an indication that they have had enough of the other child and it is time for a break or an end to the playtime. But parents usually admonish their child for the behavior and force their child to be nice. At that particular moment, the child may not have any warm feelings for the other child nor feel sorry in any way.

When I was a child I had an elderly relative I did not like. She smelled terrible and when we went to visit her my parents forced me to give her a hug. It was an excruciating experience and I hated having to go near her. Does this scenario sound familiar? Many of us probably had a similar experience because our parents expected us to show our respect. But at what cost?

Children learn from the example adults set
Your child runs to answer the ringing telephone as you shout out, “If it’s grandma, tell her that I’m not home.” You tell the ticket taker at the admission gate of the amusement park that your child is an age just under the price break so that you can save a few dollars. I know that I have been guilty myself of a few incidents where I taught my son or daughter to lie. One day my young daughter and I were returning home from a brief shopping trip to get some groceries we needed for dinner. When my daughter saw the ice cream vendor outside the supermarket, her pleading for a small treat pulled at my heartstrings. I caved to her request. I then taught my daughter to lie when I told her not to tell her mother when we got home. I knew that I would be scolded by my wife if she found out I had given our daughter a treat before dinner. It didn’t matter anyway. My cover was blown when my daughter walked into the house and said, “We had an ice cream at the store, Mommy.” By natural design children have a drive for honesty, but through modeling, training, and getting their needs met, they can easily learn to lie.

In my parenting classes I sometimes poll my participants about the top ten characteristics they want their children to have as an adult. The majority of the time, honesty ranks among the top three. Yet look at the things adults do that promote their children to lie. The mother who found the hidden wet diaper asked me what she should do about her three-year-old hiding it and lying to her. I told her that she should have revealed to her daughter that mommy had found that diaper and now knew that her little girl did not wake up dry.

In the book Nurture Shock (published by Twelve, 2009), authors Po Bryson and Ashley Merryman advise that lying is not just an innocent childhood trait. They believe that parents must let their children know that it is not okay to lie. If we don’t, the lying will progress throughout the child’s development years. How the parent lets the child know that lying is not okay is the most important factor. If done without a trace of punishment or anger, and instead with a demonstration of acceptance and unconditional love, the child will have less motivation to continue the lying. Her internal compass of integrity will develop naturally as it should.

Download a PDF copy of this article to print and share by going HERE
See more at http://www.cooperativekids.com/

What TIMEOUT Should Really Look Like

2010-05-19T09:02:00.000-04:00

Timeout doesn’t work as it is used in many families because it is being used as punishment and not as it was originally designed. Timeout should actually be a method for teaching a child how to control himself or herself, and should only be used when a child is out of control and NOT for any other situations. When timeout is used as punishment the child does not learn lessons of any value, and instead picks up unhealthy messages that he or she is a bad child and less than whole. Sticking a child in timeout simply serves as a way for the adult to control a child or get even, and gives the caregiver a sense of satisfaction or revenge for what the child did.

WHAT IT SHOULD BE
Timeout was designed to be used effectively only when a child is out of control and must be removed from a situation so as to regain some self-control and calm down. In this out of control state, some sort of emotional “thunderstorm” has blown in for the child. He may be getting angry and be unable to understand the impacts of his behavior on others around him, nor can he understand any instructions from the caregiver. In this uncontrollable state, he is likely to hurt himself or someone else. By being in the timeout space, the child is given a break from the situation and an opportunity to calm down emotionally. Once he regains some composure, he may be able to return to the activity or previous space.

BUILDING THE SPACE
The timeout space should not be a corner or a “naughty chair.” Instead, it should be a predetermined space that the adult and child create together. For best results, the timeout space should be a special, reserved spot in the house that will always be there for the child to go to when an emotional outbreak occurs. I even suggest renaming it to avoid the negative connotations associated with the word “timeout.” One parent I know used a tiny closet in the house and removed the door. It wasn’t convenient for this family to lose the use of this closet, but the need for that space was less important than teaching the child about self-control. Items should be placed in this new space that help use the senses of touch, sight, and sound to soothe the child. A poster with calm, pleasing graphics can be hung and an oversized pillow or a blanket can be placed on the floor. The parent with the tiny closet bought a bean bag chair and placed a small CD player to play gentle, calming music. Allow the child to pick for the space, one special toy or item that the child loves to touch, such as a teddy bear, a koosh ball, or even playdough.

SETTING UP THE MODEL OF GETTING THEM THERE
Once the space is created together, the adult must use role play to help the child learn how to associate the overwhelming “stormy” feelings with the process of going to that special place. This role play should be done often and only at times when the child is open to learning and in a positive mood. The adult can even participate in the role play by first playing the role of the child having the fit to help show what the behavior looks like. The mother with the small closet asked her son what it feels like when he gets so angry he want to hit and throw things. He told her that he “felt growly like a tiger.” This helped her put a label on the feeling so she could refer to the role play as “let’s play the growly game.” Then, when the real moment arrives and the child is overcome with the out-of-control emotion and behaviors, the child should then be guided to that special place in a loving and silent manner. The adult can say, “It looks like you need to go to your special place,” but should remain silent after that. In the beginning, the child may have to be carried to the special place. The adult must do so in a completely unconditionally loving manner. If done correctly and consistently by the adult each time, the child will eventually learn to identify the arrival of the emotion and bring himself to the special place. Every child is different and it could take many incidents before the child learns to bring himself to his special place. It’s worth mentioning here that the parent with the tiny closet put this into practice consistently over several months of “storms” before she saw results. Then one day when a “storm” hit and her son was about to hit, he stopped himself and screamed, “I’m going to my special place!” He ran down the hall, fell onto his bean bag chair, and fell asleep. The process had finally worked and he brought himself under control.

The message to the child in using this true timeout method is that the child is responsible for bringing himself or herself under control, not anyone else. Think about the opposite message caregivers communicate to children when they act as if to say, “I am responsible for bringing you under control.” What inappropriate lessons will the child learn about personal responsibility for behavior as he or she grows older? All we have to do is turn on the news or read a newspaper to see examples of adults with a misguided perception about not being responsible for one’s actions.
Two final points that I must make here are the time limit and modeling. First, it is my opinion that a child should NOT be kept in the timeout according to a time limit identified by the adult or by the age of the child. Instead, we should teach our children that they can come out of the special place when they feel they are ready. It is certainly okay for an adult to determine that a child needs more time before coming back to the play area, but the ultimate goal is to teach a child to identify when he can return to the family or classroom situation. This exercise is all about teaching self-control, not control-by-someone-else. The other point is modeling. A parent who wants to successfully teach a child to know when to go to timeout should first have one of her own to model. All too often it is really the parent who needs the timeout, not the child.

Bill Corbett is the author of the book “Love, Limits, & Lessons: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Cooperative Kids” in English and in Spanish, and the founder and president of Cooperative Kids. He has three grown children, two grandchildren, and lives with his wife, Elizabeth, near Hartford, Connecticut. You can visit his Web site www.CooperativeKids.com for further information and parenting advice.

Teaching Kids About Money (See Video Below)

2010-04-04T18:21:00.000-04:00

Our children today have little concept of money. They see us pull out “the card” for most of our purchases or drive up to the automated teller machine and press a few buttons to access what they think is an endless supply of cash. And when they see us purchasing luxuries such as a 42” plasma screen, the latest fancy cell phone, or a GPS for the car, they don’t understand why we won’t buy them the latest toy they want.

For a moment, imagine this scene: an adult and child are in a store and the adult tells the child “no” to a purchase he wants. The child then throws himself on the floor in a fit because mom won’t buy him the toy. Mom then becomes upset because she begins to feel resentful that her child doesn’t seem to appreciate all that she’s done for him or purchased for him up to this point. In the back of her mind she is thinking about all she’s purchased in spite of the fact that she struggles to get by with the little money she brings in each month on her own. Her feeling of resentment then turns into anger and she yells at him that he doesn’t appreciate the toys that he just received for his birthday a few weeks ago. The fit then turns into a tantrum and before you know it, she’s scolding him or even spanking him to stop his tantrum. She can’t handle the scene any longer and either drags him off to the parking lot or gives in and buys him the toy. Within a few days or weeks, she calls my office to find out when my next parenting class is because she’s tired of these episodes and doesn’t know what else to do.

Children can’t possibly know what our financial burdens and obligations are. We should not expect them to and we certainly shouldn’t be using guilt to make them feel bad for not appreciating what we buy them. Instead, we should avoid buying our children (and ourselves) too much in order to teach them about living within our means. We should also institute and maintain a plan in the family to teach our children how to handle money appropriately. Here is one possible solution to begin this process that I used with my children.

SETTING UP A TOOL
Purchase four 6" x 9" envelopes or see-through pencil cases. You may have some of these items around the house. Place the four envelopes in each child’s binder and allow them to personalize their binder with special drawings about money. Avoid telling them how to decorate the binders and allow them to create what comes to mind for them naturally about money. Each envelope will have a percentage and a title.

THE ENVELOPES
The first envelope should be titled TITHING or DONATIONS and should have 10% on it. Making this envelope first will teach your child that giving money away to others in need comes before satisfying personal desires. If you are not a religious person, tithing doesn’t have to mean giving to a church. The money in this envelope could be used to give to any charity. The second envelope should be titled SPENDING and have 20% on it. Money in this envelope could be designated for anytime that the child wants to spend money, for example, when going on shopping trips with an adult or when the ice cream truck is in the neighborhood. The third envelope should be titled SHORT TERM SAVINGS and have 30% on it. Money saved in this envelope will be for saving for something the child may wish for and purchase within a year or two. Examples might be: a new toy, game cartridge, or money for spending on a school trip. Allow the child to draw or cut out a picture of something they would like to spend this money on and paste it onto the envelope. You may even want to put the price of this item on the envelope as a target amount to save for. The fourth and last envelope should be titled LONG TERM SAVINGS and have 40% written on it. Money saved in this envelope should be removed and banked on a monthly or quarterly basis. I suggest there be no target for this except to save and record the deposits as they are made. You may even want to make a rule that this money can only be withdrawn with your permission.

IMPLEMENTING THE PRACTICE
Every time the child receives money as a gift or a monetary reward for service, it should be broken down by the percentages on the envelopes and deposited into them. Parents may want to build a cash box and store it away, ready for making change for the child. Implementing this practice with your child, even if they are too young for math, will begin to teach her about percentages and will help establish a foundation for savings and spending. When the family goes to church, allow the child to empty whatever is in the TITHING envelope and bring it along to donate. If you don’t attend a church, then on occasion, allow your child to donate the contents to a charity.

CHORES AND ALLOWANCE
I do not support children getting allowances. I believe that parents will be more successful at raising cooperative kids if everything the children does to help out is NOT rewarded with money. I recommend that parents identify basic chores that every child must do without reward. These should be done for the simple fact of cooperating and contributing to the home and the family. Children can however, be rewarded financially when completing assignments that go above and beyond basic helping chores, such as working in the yard, helping to clean or organize the basement, or helping a parent with an office or paper-based task like filing papers.

I Feel Alone: Trying to be a parent I have never seen

2010-02-15T20:57:00.000-05:00

To parent in a way that appears different from the mainstream requires courage and faith that you will make a difference in your child’s character. I know the challenge of being true to this courage and faith, because I experienced it as a dad and many of you are facing the challenge today.

You don’t allow your children to be “plugged in” to the video screen without restrictions. You allow your children to express their feelings and have their tantrums. You have limitations on what they can and cannot do or see. You are a parent who has set up respectful rules, agreements, and consequences, and have taken time to develop strong relationships with your children. You are a parent who avoids yelling, punishing, or reacting to your children’s testing and then suffers the wrath of criticism from those who notice it. You don’t provide your young teens with cell phones or allow them to have a MySpace page, just because everyone else does. All the while, your family members, parents, neighbors, and even your spouse, may think you’ve gone overboard and have bought into the “new age” parenting. They may think you are spoiling your child. They judge you, talk behind your back, avoid spending time with you, and even find ways to sabotage what you’ve created.

Parenting effectively today is so difficult for many reasons. The world is no longer autocratic like the one we grew up in. There are so many differing opinions on how to parent. It is hard to become a parent you’ve never seen, and the media and advertising culture are not parents’ friends. Because we live more complex lives than our parents did, it’s often easier just to give in to our children’s demands and the pressure of what everyone else is doing.

In the 80’s and 90’s when I was raising my three children, this transformation had already begun and I felt like I was the only one struggling with being a real dad. My father was a poor role model, so I knew what I did not want to be like as a parent. With no support system to help me, making the transition was challenging, but I was committed to doing what I knew was right. Many of my neighbors knew that I was a parent educator but no one ever discussed this topic. My column on discipline ran each month in the local parenting magazine but no one ever acknowledged it. On occasions when I would prevent my children from watching unsuitable movies at a friend’s home, or pulled them from a party where inappropriate behavior or activities were going to be allowed, some adults would say to me, “They are going to see it somewhere anyway, so what’s the use in making life difficult.”

A woman who attended several of my parenting classes revealed how difficult it was to be with judgmental family members who used autocratic parenting methods, such as yelling, threatening, punishing, and scolding. On occasions when she had not taken the time to set up boundaries or agreements in advance with her preschooler, or if he became over tired and hungry at a family gathering, she noticed that her little son became uncooperative. When this happened, she knew that the next step was to simply end the activity and go home. But her family would say that her parenting style was wrong, and instead told her that she should demand that her child behave and comply. After all, she was the parent and should be in charge. She knew in her heart, though, that forcing a child to comply and demanding that a child behave, would only create fear, animosity, and resentfulness in the child. These feelings could then erode the parent/child relationship.

I am writing this article for all of you parents who feel like you are alone in the world with your firm AND respectful style of parenting. I encourage you to believe in what you feel is right for your children and not to give up. You must have the faith that what you are doing is right, regardless of what everyone else is doing. You are parenting today to help form and shape your children into the adults you want them to become.

A friend of mine had children who were similar in age to mine and he made it clear that he disagreed with my parenting style. He was a father who loved his children very much and always provided for them. He also used a very permissive style of parenting but would “lose it” regularly and yell and punish. He had no rules or boundaries set up in advance and he let his children pretty much do whatever they wanted, whether watching whatever they wanted on television or buying them whatever they asked for. As of today, his children are in their twenties, have been arrested multiple times, and do not have regular employment or a place to call their own. Did his parenting choices contribute to their bleak disposition? Today, my three children are leading productive lives, keeping themselves safe, building healthy relationships, and following their intuition to find their purpose in this world. Did my choice of parenting style help contribute to their success today as adults? I like to think that it did.

A parent once said to me, “My parents yelled and punished me when I was growing up, and look at me… I have a job, a mortgage, and I’m able to live my life just fine.” I replied that I did not want my children to live their life “just fine.” I wanted them to live their life to the fullest, to find the work they love, to build awesome relationships, and to find their purpose in this world. Goals like these require parenting differently than everyone else.

Stopping Misbehavior Easier Than You Might Think

2010-01-29T20:43:00.000-05:00

A mom once asked me for help with a situation involving her two boys, ages 5 and 7. She said they were constantly fighting at the morning breakfast table. She wanted a quick-fix solution to the problem because it was driving her crazy. As in all instances when I am asked about behavior situations, I need more information about what was going on just before and during the problem. This additional information helps me assess what may be causing the problem and come up with possible solutions. I asked mom what she is usually doing at the time of the fighting and she told me that she is scurrying around to get lunches made and the house picked up before they leave for the day. She admitted she is likely to be barking orders and making demands on the boys out of frustration for always running late. We can all relate. My solution for her… sit down with the boys at the table, set a timer for 10 minutes, and for her not to talk, just listen. She thought it was the dumbest idea she had ever heard and told me she expected a more profound solution from me. I was concerned that she wasn’t willing to give this a try and that her situation at home with the boys would get worse. Within two weeks she contacted me to let me know that in fact, it did work! The fighting had changed just to teasing but the atmosphere was more relaxed.

Sometimes our children act out as a way of saying to the parent(s) “I’m feeling disconnected from you mom and/or dad!” We all look for that confirmation occasionally that the ones who love us are still there and connected. Children don’t usually know how to approach the parent and say “Hey, can you slow down a bit and notice me now and then? And can you do it by just listening?” They tell us this by acting out, becoming uncooperative, and misbehaving.

ACTION ITEMS:
• Once a day, give your young child 10 minutes of your full attention and time. Set a timer if you have to and avoid speaking. Give them the opportunity to show you or tell you about anything they want.
• Take each of your children on a date once a week or twice a month. Take them away from the rest of the family and avoid buying them things.
• Once a month hang out with your teen in their room if they’ll let you. Knock on their door, ask if now is a good time to hang out, and avoid any discouraging or negative talk. Just be with them and let them do most of the talking.

Want more great ideas? Read my articles at http://www.CooperativeKids.com

Parents Confusing Kids: They say don't tattle but you better report problems to us

2010-01-28T23:27:00.000-05:00

I spoke with a New York reporter today who was working on a story about the mixed messages adults send children about not tattling, yet they want their children to bring problems to the adults attention. On one hand, adults encourage children to “tell mommy when something is wrong,” and then on the other hand, mommy yells at little Johnny when he follows through and complains about something his sister is doing down the hall. Is this a mixed message? You bet. I encourage parents to remove “tattling” from their vocabulary and don’t bring any attention to it. A child should be encouraged to always bring something they see as a problem to the caregiver’s attention because the child has to develop the sense as to whether something needs an adult’s attention or not. This will be developed over time through the healthy experience of interacting with the adult in reporting a problem. This means that every time a child brings a problem to the adult, the adult should remain calm and acknowledge the problem by saying something like, “really?” “wow!” ”how did that happen?” “what will you do now?” In that initial engagement, the parent should assess whether the problem being presented is all that serious and to avoid running in there to rescue or scold a child if it is not necessary. If the child reports that “a man is climbing in through the window into my room,” then by all means, the adult should take action. But if the child is reporting that “my sister won’t play with me,” the child should then get problem-solving coaching from the parent. This is where the adult might say things like, “what do you think you could do so your sister will play with you?” or “how does it make you feel when she won’t play with you?” The first response begins the process of using coaching skills to help the child solve his or her own problem. The second response begins the process of helping the child develop his or her emotional intelligence; assessing how things that happen around them trigger feelings. Too many parents are walking around with invisible magic wands, ready to solve their child’s problems for them to “make the world fair” and keep things efficient. Parents do this because they feel guilty for not having more time to spend with their children or because the other parent doesn’t live with them anymore. So their response is to always be there to “make everything all better” for the child because it seems to keep the child happy and it makes the adult feel better as well. It’s time that parents begin raising CAPABLE children, not happy children. Read more at my Web site www.StopTheTantrums.com and follow me at http://twitter.com/billcorbett99.

Raising Olivia

2010-01-28T23:26:00.000-05:00

It’s Christmas day and I’ve got a few minutes when everyone at our house is busy. I have a soon-to-be twelve year-old stepdaughter and I’m enjoying raising her and having the opportunity to influence her in so many positive ways. I’ve been Olivia’s step dad since she was 8 years old. My own children are grown and all in their twenties, leading productive lives. I’m getting to do it all over again and I love it. The Christmas gift that seems to have been the biggest hit was the knee-high sneakers we got her. You know, those black canvas things with the white rubber soles. She’s got them all laced up and has had them on since we opened gifts this morning (they looked the best with her pajamas and bathrobe. It’s been wonderful this morning, watching her be a little girl once again, a nice break from the regular hormonal rages and her regular disdain for wanting to be with her mother and I. It seems like just yesterday, she was 9 and collecting Webkins. No more. One day back then, she approached us and asked if she could have some legos. We gladly complied with her request because it was something that wasn’t electronic or had a video screen attached to it, and required her to use her creative self. But it didn’t take long before I would notice her building a castle with legos one minute and then trying on dresses in front of her mirror a few minutes later. She’ll be twelve in just a few weeks and the legos are long gone. Instead, her room has been repainted to a lime-green and purple color scheme and she now dons clothing that could have been worn by a character in one of Tim Burton’s movies (Beetle Juice, Edward Scissor Hands, or Nightmare Before Christmas). My favorite (not) is her ”truck driver” look; jeans, moonwalker boots, a guitar hero t-shirt, a vest, sunglasses, and one of the cheap, mesh baseball caps that you usually see the work TEAMSTERS airbrushed on it. Her mother and I continue to bite our tongue as she develops her identity and we continue to give our business to the local thrift clothing stores.

Her two older brothers will be here soon (18 and 22), arriving from their father’s apartment for an overnight visit. Soon after that, my wife and I will begin to hear the groans of victory and defeat coming from the rec room downstairs as the three of them practice their eye-hand coordination with Mario on the Wii. My wife and I will also notice a familiar transformation; Olivia’s voice will change slightly, she will talk to us differently, and her mannerisms will morph as she emulates her brothers. It’s her way of bonding and connecting with them. We have learned to ignore it and not take this temporary change personal. It’s been a while since I went over the “house rules” with all three of them to help the boys transition to our home, so I’ll make a note to do that just as a refresher. I don’t expect to get much response except quiet acknowledgements from the boys and rolling eyes from Olivia. Someone once said that raising teenagers is like trying to nail jello to a tree. The secret is your patience when it slips to the ground. Follow me: WEB SITE - TWITTER - FACEBOOK.

Kids, Computers, and Porn

2010-01-28T23:22:00.000-05:00

A mom called me for help this week. It seems that her 9-year-old son and some of his friends were playing on her computer (with her permission) and visited a viral porn Web site. When mom went on the computer that evening, the porn pop ups wouldn’t stop and the graphics were XXX and outrageous. She called an IT shop to come and fix the virus problem but was concerned about the sex acts her son had been exposed to. Her question to me was, what should she tell her son about what he saw and his inappropriate surfing that most likely pulled in the virus. I told her that it was a good time to have a male family member have ”the talk” with him, even though she wanted to wait until he was ten. I also told her that she should have a few words with him, calmly, about rules for surfing the Web and how viruses can cause problems on the computer. The bottom line though, was that it was not his fault for surfing the Web and there should have been measures in place to keep him safe. I asked her a question, “if she had left a loaded gun on the kitchen table and her son was home alone, would she have yelled at or punished him if he used the gun to shoot out the windows?” We are responsible for our children and cannot fault them if they do something that was driven by their curiosity or exploration. I advised this mother that children should NOT be left unattended on the Internet. This access should be supervised and limited. There are many affordable programs out there (see Software 4 Parents) that parents can purchase to monitor the use of the computer and Internet, and others that filter out the inappropriate Web sites. She went on to advise me that she allows her son to play an interactive Web-based game that enables him to play with and communicate with other boys. I asked her to consider the fact that some of those “other boys” could be pedophiles masquerading as children, and for her to look for other ways for him to have fun and be creative.
Our children are curious little explorers. Because of this, we must take the necessary measures to keep them safe, monitor where they go and take notice of what they do! Get more help on setting boundaries and limits at www.StopTheTantrums.com.