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How to Connect with Your Teen

Connecting with a teen is much different than bonding with a child.  It requires having a strategy to get through the outer emotional layer created by a condition many teens suffer from known as PARENT ALLERGIES.  It also requires having patience and being persistent with their knack for deflecting a parent’s attempts to connect.

Case in point, I was away for several days recently, conducting lectures in another state.  When I arrived home my teenage step daughter Olivia was sitting at the breakfast bar in the kitchen doing her nails. I stood on the opposite side of the bar and greeted her whole heartedly.  In her typical teenager tone of voice she responded with the word “Hi” as if she was asking a question.  I asked her a few basic questions such as “how was school,” and “what’s new.”  She answered with single words like “fine,” or “OK,” still in the disgusted question sort of tone.  After a few moments of silence while maintaining my gaze and stance, she asked me what was wrong with me and why was I still here.  I told her that I missed her and love watching what she was doing.  She rolled her eyes without making eye contact and kept doing her nails.

So far I was using my patience to just be there with her.  Then came the need for persistence to wait out the awkward silence and to ignore the motions of her shaking head and widening eyes.  She was looking at me (almost) with contempt that indicated she may have been asking, “What are you still doing here in my space,” but without words.  Then it finally happened; she began to communicate and share freely!  It started with offering information about a weird kid at school and her opinion on what they should do about him.  Following that comment were more observations of hers about school, her friends, what I was wearing, and questions about what we were having for dinner.  I responded calmly to each of her remarks with interest, exclamations and open ended questions.  It was the experience in that moment that I wanted to preserve and enjoy for as long as I could.  It lasted for about ten minutes and ended when it seemed as if she suddenly became aware that the two of us were connecting and talking.  Her talkativeness faded and the attitude returned to her tone as she packed up her nail polish supplies and disappeared into her room.

I miss the days of getting hugs from her, giving her piggyback rides to bed, and responding to her requests like, “Will you tickle my back?”  But it’s a phase many teens must go through to on their journey to adulthood.  Some parents report that they rarely, if ever, see this allergic type of behavior from their teen.  To them I say, “Just wait awhile,” or “You’re a lucky one.”  But the majority of teens have an automatic reaction to reject the closeness (physical and emotional) of the parent and this is normal.  When you are presented with an opportunity to connect with your teen, take it quick.  Enjoy it, savor it, and hold on to it for as long as you can.  Here’s a video that will offer some more insight into the unusual (yet normal) behavior of a teen.  Share your stories about your teen in a comment below.  I'd love to hear them.

7 Tips for Easing Children's Fears of Hurricanes and Storms

When preschoolers and younger school aged children see images of or experience disasters and large scale storms, it can really frighten them. They live in a world somewhere between reality and fantasy and often have difficulty telling the difference between the two. They also have not yet developed their full understanding of mortality or whether something on television is far away or close by. I was asked this same question following the Columbine school shooting in 1999, the World Trade Center attack in 2001, and the Tsunami or 2005. Here are some guidelines for raising children when something bad happens in the world.


Limit their exposure to televised news reports on the occurrence. This is a good time to fall back on effectively managing their access to the television by limiting the amount of time they watch it. If you have to watch it yourself, coordinate it so that they are involved in another activity at that time. There are numerous university studies that reveal the high amount of violence on television and the effects it can have on children. Some of these effects include becoming less sensitive to the pain and suffering of others, being more fearful in general, and an increase in aggressiveness toward others.

If they do see the news reports or hear about it from other sources, explain it to them clearly and honestly, and at their own development level so they will understand. Be ready to answer all of their questions and encourage your children to verbalize their worries and concerns. Look for stories where something good happened in the wake of the disaster. Most networks want to show you the gloom and doom of the event, but some will run stories where people or animals were saved and became heroes. I recall a story that ran after the Tsunami hit where a tourist reported seeing an elephant saving children from the approaching waves.

Watch for unusual behavior changes during this time. If you sense that they know about it but are not talking, the best thing to do is to create safe and loving opportunities for them to express how they are feeling. You’ll have better results by asking them open ended questions that they can answer in their own words. Remain calm and don’t force them to talk about it. If an unusual behavior occurs such as bedwetting, hitting, or sudden meltdowns, be patient and don’t get upset. Feel free to talk with your pediatrician if necessary.

Manage your own emotions. Even if you’re doing a great job at limiting the television, your children can still sense something’s wrong if you are worried or your moods are being affected by the events taking place. You may need to talk with someone to ease your own fears about the disaster. If you’re feeling sad and need to cry, take care of yourself by finding ways to get some alone time away from the kids. Don’t hesitate to lean on family and friends or seek professional counseling if necessary. It’s one thing for a child to see something scary happening, but when their “all powerful” parent is showing signs of distress, it can freak them out even more.

Fall back on your religious faith with regular prayer in your family meetings or attend special church services. You can bring attention to the victims of the tragedy and those who suffered by lighting candles to honor those who died in the disaster. If your children are old enough or you’ve taught them to handle candles safely, put a large candle in the center of the table to represent God or whatever life’s greater power is for you. Each family member then takes a smaller unlit candle with a drip protector on it and dips it into the larger candle to be lit. Candles with the special drip protectors are usually called “candlelight service” candles and are available at most Christian book or merchandise stores. You may even find them for purchase on the internet by doing a search on “candlelight” or “drip protector”. This exercise also teaches unconditional love and will help them feel safe. By blowing out the flame of their candle to represent being frightened or not feeling good, relighting it over and over from another lit candle shows them that love is never ending. They will also see that they can get that love from God’s candle in the center of the table, from mom or dad’s candle, or from their siblings.

Create or revisit your family evacuation plan. Setting aside time to do this and including the children in the development process will help them feel safe. Children automatically see their parents as magical giants who have all the answers and know what to do. Putting evacuation plans in place in the event of an emergency will demonstrate this power you have and will set their minds and hearts at ease.

Get involved with an organization that is taking action to provide services and supplies to the victims of the disaster. You may find many local groups such as the American Red Cross or Habitat for Humanity International that can use volunteers for packaging and collecting supplies. Many of these efforts may allow children to participate in some fashion. When your children see you giving to help others, it models for them the spirit of giving in their own way. It helps build the moral foundation you’ll want them to have as they grow.

Your children are small creatures exploring and learning about their world one step at a time. When something happens near or around them with high caliber, like a disaster or a storm, they will undoubtedly have great difficulty in understanding the causes and impacts of something of this magnitude. Be ready to comfort them and love them even more than usual. Be patient and be ready. You as their parent are the most important teacher they will ever have!

Getting Teenaged Boys Out of their Rooms in the Summer

I recently received an email from a parent with a question regarding her teenaged son. She expressed her frustration over the fact that she couldn't get him to come out of his room and get involved in some productive summer-time activites.  He seemed to be unmotivated at doing anything and if she asked him to complete a chore, he would acknowledge the request but not follow through and do it.  Follow this LINK to read the full ready-to-print article and see a related video.

Raising Olivia - Don't Interfere with the application of makeup

Those of you who follow my blog know that my wife and I are raising a teenager. My step daughter Olivia is now 13 and she is both a joy and a challenge to have. More importantly, she is putting my parenting skills to the test, skills I get to use every day.

My wife and I were having a discussion today about some errands we were going to run. During our coordination, Olivia shouted from her room that she wanted to see the new movie Transformers 3. I was delighted because she isn’t a real big fan of going to the movies and I was interested in seeing it myself. After a few more minutes of discussing our plans, I threw in that we could all go to see the movie in about an hour or so. My wife agreed and I walked to the door to Olivia’s room to find out how soon she could be ready to go.

Standing in front of her closed (and usually locked) door, I called out her name to get her attention. The sharp response of “What?” told me that she was most likely in her usual position in her room; sitting on the floor directly behind the door, putting on makeup in front of a 4 foot high floor length mirror. I then said, “If you want to go to the movies, could you be ready to go soon?” She quickly snapped back with, “Oh my God! No I can’t!!!” Her angry-toned voice reminded me that it usually takes her several hours to get ready to go anywhere. I responded with a calm, “OK,” and walked away smiling.

I was smiling because that brief encounter reminded me of how dramatic she is in response to just about anything her mother and I present to her, especially if it is unexpected or it interferes with her prep time at the start of each day. Anthony E. Wolf wrote a great book for living successfully with today’s teen. It is titled “Get Out of My Life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?... a parent’s guide to the new teenager.” He defines the differences between the boy and girl teenager and how they act and speak as they go through this tough time of transition.

Dr. Wolf will be joining me on the set of the taping of my next episode of CREATING COOPERATIVE KIDS. The show is filmed at the public access television studio in Enfield, CT and airs on many New England public access channels. If you’re in Connecticut or Massachusetts and would like to be in the studio audience of the next taping on July 18th, go to this Web site and register for a studio audience seat: http://www.CooperativeKids.com. You can also watch past episodes there as well.

When Preschoolers and Toddlers Hit

Hitting for this development phase is normal.  So, what things are you doing to help the preschooler feel like the special "big brother" that he is? He should have special responsibilities WITH his little brother to redirect feelings of resentment; reading him stories, helping with his bath, being in charge of the diaper bag when you travel, etc. The more you make him feel special, the less likley he is to annoy and make his brother cry. Also, sometimes, the feeling of having been "dethroned" by a younger sibling builds feelings of resentment toward the parent and the child can transfer that resentment to the sibling. As far as removal, it is OK to remove the toddler if the preschooler hits or hurts him. The consequence is that he loses the opportunity to play with this brother if he behaves badly. Be sure the the preschooler has his own space to play, to address any feelings he may have that his sibling is invading his space. Make sure you are reinforceing positive behavior. Everytime the preschooler does something right, make a big deal of it. If he behaves badly, don't get emotional about it, simply act matter-of-factly by just removing the toddler. Young children are attracted to emotion. They will want to create excitement in you, so motivate him to create positive excitement, not yelling and getting angry.

A dad asked me what he should do when his 4-year-old son hits his 2-year-old sister.  I informed him that preschoolers have not yet developed their social skills so it is unfair to get angry at them or punish them. I do realize that you may react out of anger because he could hurt her. You do however; have to keep the 2 year old safe. When preschoolers hit other children, it is a message that must be interpreted by the adult. It could be one of the following:

WHY IT MAY BE HAPPENING

1. He has had enough of her and needs to be separated from her, but not punished in timeout. Just separate them and give them time to cool off.

2. He could be using inappropriate skills that he learned somewhere, such as television or adult other relationships around him

3. He is being overpowered by adults in his life and knowing he can't exert power over the adults, it all flows down hill and he becomes powerful over those smaller than him

WHAT TO DO

1. Remain calm and avoid getting angry or emotional over it. If you do, you could end up giving this behavior value and motivation for him to repeat it. In other words, don't over react

2. As soon as he has hit his sister, all the attention goes to the little sister with no attention to him. If you can, include him nurturing his sister.

3. Separate them silently and with kindness. Avoid making him feel like he is bad or that there is something wrong with him.

4. When things calm down, get to his eye level and in a calm tone, tell him that "you can't let anyone hit in this house."

5. Whenever you DO see him getting along nicely with this sister, make a big deal out if and acknowledge good behavior

6. Make sure that he has plenty of alone time and space and is not always having to be or play with her.

One final note; little children don't see their siblings as wonderful gifts to love and enjoy. Instead, they sometimes see them as competition who could take his possessions away from him, including his parents. Do your best to see the world through his eyes

What to do if Your Ex is Parenting Differently Than You

My wife and I noticed immediately how differently her teenage daughter behaves and treats us when she returns from a visit with her father.  Oftentimes she is rude, abrasive, and immediately begins to complain about how our rules are stupid and how we are controlling her life.  And why shouldn't she when her father has no rules.  He shows up a couple of times a year to buy her favorite treats and give her gifts or money.  Such is the case for so many parents whose children go to another parent's home for visitation.  Some parents get similar behaviors from their children when they just go to a grandparent's home when discipline is handled differently.  This is one of the frustrating challenges of the modern society... everyone doesn't parent the same.  The times have changed and the ownership falls on the engaged parent to react in certain ways to the annoying behaviors we get when our child returns from a visit.  Download my READY-TO-PRINT article HERE as a handout to share with others.  It offers 5 things you can begin doing immediately.