When
you set up a rule, there is a chance that it may get broken or challenged. If it does, don’t get angry. For example,
let’s say you state a rule such as,”Here’s daddy’s rule, no standing on the
chair.” Your child may think,”Hhmmm,
let’s see what happens if I stand on the chair,” and then proceeds to do
it. Then of course, you get mad and
yell. Because your child is wired by
design to test your boundaries, your reaction gives them the reward for
breaking the rule! Successful parenting
includes NOT getting mad, NOT punishing or NOT responding with emotion when
your child tests your boundaries. When
setting up rules to keep your child and others safe, or to preserve the
boundaries of others, a consequence is required, not punishment.
Why do our children say things to us like
“NO!” or “You’re stupid!”? Because they
know you don’t like the word and it causes you to react. Remember, they are little beings living in a
land of giants and when a child is feeling less valuable or powerful, saying
these kinds of words or phrases gives them the power over you they crave. Usually, an adult in your child’s life has
trained them to say it by reacting to it.
As soon as you say, “Don’t you dare say that word,” the child loves the
response and thinks, “Hmm, I’m going to say it MORE.” And what about those annoying potty
words? A classic situation is that your
child may hear it being used by his playmates.
For example let me use a word that isn’t bad
but represents a bad word. The word is
“poo poo”. Your son hears this word,
perhaps at daycare and thinks, “Cool, I don’t know what it means but I like the
sound of it.” Then he tries it out and a
teacher overhears it. The adult responds
with horror and reprimands him and says something like, “We do NOT use that
word here!” Your son quickly realizes
the power it had over that adult, so when you come to pick him up and you are
in the car on the way home, he gears up and out it flies, “POO POO!” You react with shock and horror and say with
heated emotion, “We do NOT use that word in this family!!” They LOVE it when they can do something that
makes you respond. It is FUN and they
will do it more. Very simply, your
reaction encourages him to do it more.
The more you relax and remain calm when power
or potty words are used, the less likely your child is going to be motivated to
use them. If she is using it
intentionally and you ARE remaining calm, perhaps she is feeling hurt somehow
and is using it to get even with you. If
your child is using an inappropriate word that you just cannot allow, calmly
set a boundary that you no one in the house is allowed to use that word. Then have some fun with your child in coming
up with an alternative word that she can use.
Be sure and give her the high energy reaction she craves when she uses
the new appropriate word. If done well,
she will have little reason to go back to the old word.
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