The Latest with Cooperative Kids

Those of you who follow my blog might be wondering what happened to me, since my last post was in June of 2016. A parent who attended one of parenting classes even called me this past week to find out when the next class was being held and asked for some advice for her sister struggling with two preteens.

What happened was an adventure I set out on with the goal to fund phase two of the research project to create the evidence base I need for the Love, Limits & Lessons parenting class that many school systems are waiting for. The result was a training course I developed for workforce development youth workers around the country.

Today, I'm finally back at my desk, preparing to teach my parenting course locally to struggling parents and also, giving abused or neglected children and teens a second chance at the Florida Sheriff's YouthVilla. Working with foster children can be a real challenge and in many ways, dealing with challenges different from those who have stable homes and parents.

One thing that is NOT different however, is the response I

use when a child I'm working complains about something (which they do often). For example it's common for me to hear them say, "The rules in this cottage are stupid," or, "I don't want to go back to the public school you're making me attend." What do I say to them? Two simple words... I KNOW.

Try it with your children. When they complain, avoid justifying things or arguing with them. Simply say, "I know." When I child says to me, "I don't want to go to bed!" I reply by saying, "I know," because in that moment, they don't want to go to bed. If they tell me that something is stupid (which they do often), to them IT IS stupid.

Acknowledging their feelings is not letting them win, nor is it agreeing with their point of view. Saying "I Know" is simply acknowledging that they are expressing something they feel and it says to them that it's OK to express feelings. So the next time your child tells you that they don't like something, they don't want to do something, or that something is stupid, simply say, "I know," and notice that they may be more likely to cooperate.

Comments

Why Love and Logic has it Wrong... Again!

Children don’t often demonstrate respect because they either don’t know what it looks like or, as the Father of Individual Psychology, Alfred Adler taught us, their disrespectful behavior is their way of attempting to get unmet needs satisfied. The secret to getting kids to treat their parents and others with respect is to first treat them with respect and to then help them find their place in the family or the classroom. But the creators of the LOVE AND LOGIC parenting program would have you believe differently. All parenting programs are not created equal and in my opinion, many are misguided and offer parents and teachers bad information. It is my belief that we should not just be demanding and manipulating our kids to be more cooperative, we should be raising children who WANT to cooperate and be engaged in the family or classroom because they feel encouraged to do so. One of those programs that frequently offers misguided information and gimmicks...

When Your Child Says "I HATE YOU!"... They are Really Just Mad

You've done so much for them, slaved for them, and sacrificed for them, and then if you don't give them what they want, they get mad at you. It hardly seems fair, all the things we do for our kids and they don't appreciate it. Then we hear them say things like, "I hate you," or "I hate this house." We hear, "You're a mean mom," or "I'm mad at you!" It's common for kids to get mad at their parents but the solution is the hardest for parents to do... just let them be mad. Effective parents learn quickly that they are not their child's friend; they are their parents. But if the parents aren't prepared to hear it and know how to respond, they get defensive or they get even. Worse, they give in to regain the love the child is withholding. I was in the toy section of a department store one day, shopping for a gift for my grandson. A mom and her little boy were in the same aisle, and the little boy, about seven, was admir...

Why Some Parents Spank

This is for all the parents who set out NOT to spank their children, but end up doing it anyway; you are NOT bad parents, sometimes you just don’t know what else to do. I believe you may get frustrated to the point of using it to gain the child’s attention or as an attempt to stop challenging behaviors immediately. I can say that I've been in your shoes! I raised 3 children of my own and often felt myself get to the point of having the urge to spank. So I feel for parents and know how hard it is when our children push our patience to the upper limits. (Photograph courtesy of David Castillo Dominici and freedigitalphotos.net) I was the oldest of eight children and took notice of my parent’s anger and how it would provoke them to the point of spanking, and they did. I remember having the sense that one or both of them would be bothered by something outside of my control and then I would do something that kids do and it would push them to th...

Bill Corbett

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