DCF Can Help Your Kids Cooperate

Some of my readers may be bothered by the fact that I refer to this as the DCF exercise, while others might consider it a gimmick. But I did it with my kids and it worked! Children don’t immediately understand the importance of cooperation, and they may need a little instruction and then coaching on how to participate effectively. This is especially true if you’ve given in to your children more than you should have, and you know it. 

Some parents may not need to go this far, but it’s an option for those who wish their kids were more cooperative. Additionally, it can be a fun game that brings your family closer together. At the very least, it’s just another tool for their toolbox. Feel free to leave your comments on whether you support this or not. I value your opinions, so please feel free to share your thoughts.

Best parenting tool EVER!

Have you ever experienced a situation where you did something amazing for your children, such as taking them to Disney, buying them a game system, or hosting a party at your house with all their friends? Then, a few days later, you ask them to clean up a mess they made, help you rake the leaves, or do something as small as bringing the groceries in from the car, and they throw a fit. If so, you might immediately think, "You ungrateful little child, how can you react this way to my request for help after all I've done for you?" Resentment then begins to build up, negatively affecting your relationship with them.

I noticed that this was happening in our home occasionally, and it was driving me crazy. After giving this much thought, I realized that my children had difficulty understanding what cooperation entails and why it's essential. We never took the opportunity to sit down with them and explain it clearly to them because we didn't know how. We wanted them to see that we wanted to do these fantastic things for them, from time to time and within reason, and when we had the means to do them. 

But more importantly, we wanted them to know that cooperation is also about reciprocity; sometimes they need our cooperation, and sometimes we need theirs. We also wanted them to appreciate the things we did for them, and that the more cooperation we received from them, the more likely we were to cooperate with them when we could. What we didn't know how to teach them was how to handle their disappointment when we had to say no to a request. We didn't know how to train them to accept' no' without experiencing a meltdown and becoming angry toward us. 

Then one day it came to me… if I could find a way to teach them the difference between what we HAVE TO do for them (such as feeding them, providing clothes for them to wear and a bed to sleep in), and what we DON'T have to, but want to (such as the things we buy and the places we take them), maybe that would be a good start in them appreciating what we do. It may also teach them more about the concept of cooperation. So I created what I call the DCF exercise, with DCF standing for the Department for Children and Families. Many parents are likely familiar with this government agency, which may also be referred to by a different name in various parts of the country.

I encourage parents with difficult or entitled children, about six years of age and up, to try this exercise. The first step is to select a moment when the child is receptive to learning. That means you can tell them something, and it appears that they are processing what you said. It may be sinking in. However, when they are not open to learning, they either ignore it or resist it. If the time is right, invite your children to join you at the table. Ask them, "Is now a good time for us to talk?" The best way to teach respect is by first treating others with respect. I encourage you to use this often whenever you want to talk to your child. You can avoid commanding or ordering them to do something, as doing so is likely to invite an argument.  

Some of you might be asking, "What if my child says NO," and walks away. Say something like, "OK, I'll check in with you later," and say it calmly and in a tone that says it's no big deal. Let it go, walk away, and try it again at a later time. If your child is feeling defiant and distant from you, you may continue to receive 'no's, and if this is the case, you're not ready to use this technique. Instead, you have other tasks to attend to first, such as repairing the relationship and rebuilding trust.

Assuming you got an "OK," an "I guess," or even a half-hearted yes from your child, here is STEP 2 of this exercise. On a blank sheet of paper or a whiteboard on an easel, you're going to get your child or children to help you draft a list of things that the state requires you to do for your child. You could say something like, "I need your help in creating a list of all the things that DCF (the state) requires me to do for you as my child." You could even say, "If the state ever gave out an award for best parent, I would love to receive it. So just in case they ever do, let's create this list so I'll be ready."

Inviting your kids to take turns with you, begin thinking up things the state requires. The goal is for you to take turns with your child in adding items to the list, and since they may not yet understand the exercise, you begin. Let's say you come up with the first one: PROVIDE CHILD WITH NUTRITIONAL FOODS TO EAT, or HAVE A BED FOR THEM TO SLEEP IN. It could even add more fun if you were pretending as if you were coming up with these for the first time, almost like, "Wow, what a great idea I just came up with. Now it's your turn." Other ones you might add are: A SOLID ROOF THAT DOESN'T LEAK and CLOTHES TO WEAR. What you're doing is listing the core requirements of any good parent.

Next, ask your child to add an item to the list, and then it's your turn again. The objective is to go back and forth between parent and child, building the DCF list of what is required of a parent. Here is where a good problem may occur… your child offers up something that DCF doesn't require, such as taking her to the mall or buying her a Nintendo Switch. You want this to happen because this is where she begins to learn the differences between what is required and the luxuries that are extra things. When she does, you're simply going to use a tone of disappointment and say, "Oh dear, I know that the state doesn't require a parent to take the child to the mall or buy them a Nintendo Switch. But I love that you came up with this idea, so let's capture them on a separate list."

What you're now doing is building the potential COOPERATION LIST for use at a later time. So, every time your child offers something that the state doesn't require, no matter how bizarre, collect it on the other list. If you don't, as some parents don't in their version of this exercise, you'll lose the ability to have a list of the things your child wants, and your child could feel disrespected because you dismissed their suggestion by not including it anywhere. You mustn't dismiss any of their ideas. Be sure and act like you're excited about their PARTICIPATION in the exercise, not that you love their ideas.

Continue building the DCF list until neither of you can think of any other ideas. When this happens, you could say, "Well, sweetie… we did it! We built the DCF list, and you helped me know all the things I should do for you, according to the state rules on parenting. Then you say, "So let's look at this other list of things we've been collecting that the state doesn't require me to do as a parent. Let's call it the COOPERATION LIST." Now take turns adding to that list, and remember, no idea is a bad idea. You don't have to love something that your child came up with, such as TAKE ME TO DISNEY. We'll handle the outrageous ideas in the next step. Right now, make it a green-lighting session with your child.

This is also your opportunity to add YOUR items to the list, things in which you need their cooperation. Some of these tasks might include helping to bring groceries in from the car, scooping up dog poop in the backyard, putting all your laundry in the hamper to be washed, setting the table for dinner, picking up all the baby's toys and putting them in the toy box, etc. This is your opportunity to help her understand what cooperation is all about.

As an example to help you understand the building of this list, let's examine the difference between store-bought clothing and used clothing. Many parents are fortunate that their preteen daughter has fallen in love with the clothing store PLATOS CLOSET, as it's full of used girls' clothes in excellent condition, and the prices are right. I know this firsthand, having raised two daughters and a stepdaughter. But let's say your daughter hasn't gotten there yet and adds, BUY HER AN OUTFIT AT ABERCROMBIE & FITCH. If you're like most parents, that idea probably made you cringe as you thought about the money and the style. Just add the idea anyway, and when it's your turn, your contribution to the list could be BUY HER AN OUTFIT AT KOHLS or WALMART or better yet, PLATO'S CLOSET. 

Remember, go with the flow and have fun with this exercise. Keep taking turns adding and building this list. No idea is a bad idea, no matter how outrageous it may seem. One parent who implemented this told me that during this cooperation list-building phase, her son wanted to test her, so he suggested, "Let me smoke cigarettes." It took everything she could muster to remain calm and add it to the list with a happy heart. Then, when it was her turn, she added, "Scrub the toilets." She said he almost freaked out and begged her not to add it to the list. Finally, when neither of you can think of anything else to add, it's time for the next step… removing unreasonable or unacceptable items.

In this step both of you will be able to eliminate the cooperation things that you're not willing to do or allow, such as; BUY ME A TV FOR MY BEDROOM or LET ME PEIRCE MY BELLY BUTTON. It's also where you can eliminate the outrageous ideas like LET ME HAVE A PARTY SUPPLYING ALCOHOL WITH MY FRIENDS or TAKE ME TO DISNEY. Once again, taking turns, you go down the list of items, eliminating your deal breakers and allowing your child to eliminate theirs as well. And do this without any emotion or scolding. 

So, you might be asking, how do I do that without emotion and without my child getting upset when the thing she wants is being taken off the list? You say, "I'm not willing to buy this for you," or "I'm not ready for you to do this." Notice that the keywords are WILLING or READY. Then, when she asks you, "Why not?" you can either calmly say, "Because I'm not willing," or "because I'm not ready for you to do that," rather than, “You’re not old enough,” or “You’re not big enough.” 

If she has a meltdown, do your best to ignore it. If she says hurtful things to you like, "You're a mean mom," or "I hate this house," don't make the mistake of replying to them. If she storms off in a rage, let it go and retry this portion of the exercise at another time when she's calm and open to learning. If she says things that are hurtful to you, calmly tell her that you're not willing to hear these words and remove yourself from the area. Wait for another day or time to redo this portion of the exercise. Just know that when a child says hurtful things, it’s entirely possible they feel hurt inside from past incidents when someone hurt them. This is a topic that requires further discussion for a later time.

The last step is to post the finalized and accepted list somewhere and title it: THE COOPERATION LIST. You could even have you and your child sign it to make it even more official. To get the most use from this exercise, here is an excellent suggestion. Whenever you need your child to do something for you, replace any commands or orders with this announcement: "Bobbie, I need your cooperation!" Following the announcement, please inform Bobbie of what you'd like him to do. This will remind him of the list he helped create, and he will be more likely to cooperate with you. And by the same token, whenever your child needs YOUR cooperation by asking for something, you will respond with, "So as I understand you, you need my cooperation to _________ (whatever it is they are asking you to do). Is that correct?"

What I just suggested puts it all in perspective for the child, regarding what constitutes cooperation and how they can achieve their goals more successfully. If you implement this idea, you'll see some instant changes in your children's cooperation. You are likely to notice how they react differently when you can't or won't give them what they want in the moment. But here are some words of caution. First, DO NOT make it a tit for tat trap. In other words, if your child does not cooperate for some reason, don't jump out there and use threats that you are now NOT going to cooperate with him.

Let's say your child has been testing you and ignoring your requests lately, or saying no. Keep this information in mind; you can take action eventually. At some point, your son is going to need something from you, and when he does, you can calmly say, "Oh gosh… it sounds like you need my cooperation. However, you've not been very cooperative with me lately, so I will decline your cooperation request at this time. Walk away without saying anything else, even if he has a meltdown. And certainly don't give in if he apologizes and begs. Let your decline be a natural consequence of his behavior and let it speak to him.

Learn more about the best device for obtaining cooperation!

Please keep in mind that the use of the word COOPERATION should be used often and should preface any requests for help, commands, instructions, or orders to your child. The word is new for your child, and you will be giving it a new meaning that will help you as a parent. If you ask your child to cooperate with you on a particular matter and they comply, acknowledge them by saying, “Thank you for your cooperation.” 

It helps children see adults in the home using the same new cooperative model. Discuss this new process privately with the other adults who live with you or those who visit often, and ask for their cooperation. Explain to them that it would be beneficial for them to participate in the new cooperative lifestyle, so the kids can see how it works. If your husband asks you to retrieve something he needs, coach him to ask you for your cooperation. If he doesn’t, when he asks for something, say to him, “It looks like you need my cooperation,” and then follow through.

One of my children even went through a phase in which she hated hearing the word. She would put her hands over her ears and block me out when I used it. Sometimes I would say it, and she would mimic me in a condescending tone. I stuck with the use of the word, and because I didn't give it any value by responding, eventually the phase passed. She became more cooperative for two reasons: I didn't overreact to her tactic and give it undue value, and she soon realized how much she needed my cooperation.

TIPS FOR SUCCESS:

• Put a sign up somewhere in your home that indicates COOPERATION IS USED HERE.

• Always preface an instruction or request with, “I need your cooperation.”

• Thank them for cooperating with you if they comply or complete a task you asked for.

• Demonstrate this process in front of the kids with other adults in the house.

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