Skip to main content

Parents Confusing Kids: They say don't tattle but you better report problems to us

I spoke with a New York reporter today who was working on a story about the mixed messages adults send children about not tattling, yet they want their children to bring problems to the adults attention. On one hand, adults encourage children to “tell mommy when something is wrong,” and then on the other hand, mommy yells at little Johnny when he follows through and complains about something his sister is doing down the hall. Is this a mixed message? You bet. 

  I encourage parents to remove “tattling” from their vocabulary and don’t bring any attention to it. A child should be encouraged to always bring something they see as a problem to the caregiver’s attention because the child has to develop the sense as to whether something needs an adult’s attention or not. This will be developed over time through the healthy experience of interacting with the adult in reporting a problem. This means that every time a child brings a problem to the adult, the adult should remain calm and acknowledge the problem by saying something like, “really?” “wow!” ”how did that happen?” “what will you do now?” 

 In that initial engagement, the parent should assess whether the problem being presented is all that serious and to avoid running in there to rescue or scold a child if it is not necessary. If the child reports that “a man is climbing in through the window into my room,” then by all means, the adult should take action. But if the child is reporting that “my sister won’t play with me,” the child should then get problem-solving coaching from the parent. 

 This is where the adult might say things like, “what do you think you could do so your sister will play with you?” or “how does it make you feel when she won’t play with you?” The first response begins the process of using coaching skills to help the child solve his or her own problem. The second response begins the process of helping the child develop his or her emotional intelligence; assessing how things that happen around them trigger feelings. 

 Too many parents are walking around with invisible magic wands, ready to solve their child’s problems for them to “make the world fair” and keep things efficient. Parents do this because they feel guilty for not having more time to spend with their children or because the other parent doesn’t live with them anymore. So their response is to always be there to “make everything all better” for the child because it seems to keep the child happy and it makes the adult feel better as well. It’s time that parents begin raising CAPABLE children, not happy children. Read more at my Web site www.StopTheTantrums.com and follow me at http://twitter.com/billcorbett99.
© 2013 Bill Corbett  -   All Rights Reserved
Labels:

Comments

  1. AnonymousMarch 13, 2011 at 1:02 PM

    This is a great post. I love the image of the magic wand and you are right on so many levels about the "teachable moment" aspect of a child reporting a problem.

    What would you suggest if the child is reporting that their sibling hit them? Our younger child has perfected the under-the-radar swipes and jabs. He does this while maintaining a generally placid attitude so that we, the parents, don't see them in action, but the actions often succeed in antagonizing our older child. I know all that little subversive tricks of the younger child because I was the younger child...

    So, what's the suggested response / coaching method in the case of a 4 year old child reporting a legitimate case of a 2 year old hitting?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bill CorbettNovember 27, 2013 at 1:29 PM

      Hi Mama Leche, thanks for reading and I'm sorry that I'm just seeing your comment now. My suggestion is to not over react to these incidents and to put more emphasis on understanding why the swipes and jabs are happening. A child's actions are motivated by the desire to get an unmet need met. I suggest being sure that the parent has "dates" with each child and to always make a bid deal of good behavior whenever it occurs. Sibling rivalry is normal and if we over react to it, it can motivate the child to continue to doing it. Also keep in mind that the swipes and jabs may be the younger child's way of trying to get the older child to engage and play with him. Teach the older child how to ask his older sibling to play with him. You also want to coach and teach the older child how to let the younger one know when to leave him alone by expressing it verbally. Thanks for leaving a comment for me!

      Delete

Post a Comment

Contact Form

Name

Email *

Message *

About Me

My photo
Bill Corbett
Bill Corbett is a nationally recognized parent educator, author, and speaker known for his practical and compassionate approach to raising children. He has helped countless parents, caregivers, and professionals better understand child behavior and discipline through his workshops, seminars, books, and media appearances. As the creator of the "Love, Limits & Lessons" parenting program, Corbett emphasizes respectful and effective communication, age-appropriate expectations, and the importance of emotional connection in child-rearing. His work is grounded in positive discipline strategies that foster cooperation and confidence in both children and parents.

Popular posts from this blog

Why Love and Logic has it Wrong... Again!

Children don’t often demonstrate respect because they either don’t know what it looks like or, as the Father of Individual Psychology, Alfred Adler taught us, their disrespectful behavior is their way of attempting to get unmet needs satisfied.  The secret to getting kids to treat their parents and others with respect is to first treat them with respect and to then help them find their place in the family or the classroom.  But the creators of the LOVE AND LOGIC parenting program would have you believe differently.  All parenting programs are not created equal and in my opinion, many are misguided and offer parents and teachers bad information.  It is my belief that we should not just be demanding and manipulating our kids to be more cooperative, we should be raising children who WANT to cooperate and be engaged in the family or classroom because they feel encouraged to do so. HOW TO STOP KIDS' BEGGING FOR TOYS One of those programs that frequently offers...
6 comments
Read more

When Your Child Says "I HATE YOU!"... They are Really Just Mad

You've done so much for them, slaved for them, and sacrificed for them, and then if you don't give them what they want, they get mad at you. It hardly seems fair, all the things we do for our kids and they don't appreciate it. Then we hear them say things like, "I hate you," or "I hate this house." We hear, "You're a mean mom," or "I'm mad at you!" It's common for kids to get mad at their parents but the solution is the hardest for parents to do... just let them be mad. Effective parents learn quickly that they are not their child's friend; they are their parents. But if the parents aren't prepared to hear it and know how to respond, they get defensive or they get even. Worse, they give in to regain the love the child is withholding. I was in the toy section of a department store one day, shopping for a gift for my grandson. A mom and her little boy were in the same aisle, and the little boy, about seven, was admir...
Post a Comment
Read more

When A Child Behaves Like a Cat (or Other Characters)

Children experimenting as an animal is absolutely normal. They do it because they are simply exploring or perhaps, to gain some attention. Parents should allow their children to behave like a cat at home and you as the parent, simply ignore it. If your child answers you with a meow, you can simply tell them, "I don't understand what you're trying to tell me. I will listen to you when you speak like a little girl." Then just walk away. If your child enters an activity at home meowing like a cat, for example coming to the dinner table. Just calmly tell her that only people can eat at the table and when she returns to being a little girl, she will get food and the rest of the family will speak to her and listen to her again. In other words, don't try to control your child when they are in one of these exploring modes. Let it be and get involved when she tries to participate in the family. Do not meow back at her, do not crawl around on all fours with her and don'...
Post a Comment
Read more