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How to Create Rules Your Child Will Follow

Little redheaded girl looking closely at a butterfly

I wanted to take my autistic granddaughter to the butterfly botanical garden near us, but I was afraid she would want to touch everything and ruin the visit. Luckily, they have a list of rules at the entrance, and we went over them together. After reading through them a few times and getting her verbal commitment to follow them, I told her that we needed to come up with a "grandpa thing" (a consequence) that would have to happen if either one of us didn't obey the rules.

We went back and forth with ideas until we settled (mainly me) on the
Little girl examing butterfly
(Actual picture of my granddaughter)

decision that our adventure at the gardens would end. Knowing her very well, in the past, she would agree to the rules at first, but her autism didn't always allow her to maintain the agreement. The one rule I was most concerned with was that everyone must remain on the walkway and not venture into animal and plant life. Along the way, I watched her struggle with wanting to touch plants and butterflies so badly and fighting the urge as she looked down at her toes to see how closely she could get to the edge of the walk. 


Mom guiding son going over rules at the conservatory for butterflies

Almost an hour into our stroll through the gardens, she abruptly halted and faced me. In a fake sad, weepy tone, she said, "Grandpa, our day is over; we have to go home now." I was very surprised, so I asked her why. In a complete change of tone, she then declared proudly, "Because I'm going to step off the walk!" She then did just that; she stepped off the walk and tried to touch a butterfly. 

Without saying a word to her, I quickly and gently took her by the hand, and she willingly walked with me toward the exit. She feigned a bit of emotion and objected to having to leave, but it was crucial for me to follow through in silence, letting the consequence speak for itself. During the ride to the ice cream shop, we discussed what had happened, the importance of honoring rules, and why it is not advisable to touch plants and wildlife. Her mood quickly changed and brightened up.

Every day struggles I had with her were in stores; she wanted everything and would strategically grab
child shopping with mom and pulling items off the shelf

products off the shelves from the shopping cart. As many parents do, I would let her hold an item in her hands until we got to the checkout aisle. I would intend to take it from her there, but I often ended up paying for it to keep her quiet. It got to the point where I had to find a babysitter just to shop without all the hassle.


I eventually realized that resolving this conflict with her involved reviewing the store visit rules in advance. As she stepped down from her car seat, I got on my knees so that I would be at her eye level, and we reviewed Grandpa's rules for today's visit to the store. Sometimes I would tell her that we are here to buy food or certain items and would give her a picture list of things to help me look for. This strategy usually kept her engaged and less likely wanting things. I said "less likely," not a perfect plan.

Other times I would allow her to buy one thing, and I would name that thing exactly. And then there were other occasions when I would declare that she couldn't buy anything. The point is that I named the rules up front, attempted to get her to agree and verbally agree, and then followed through. I would also be sure to provide encouragement when things went as planned.

Dad speaking to his son before entering the store to buy a gift for a family member

But there were also times when things didn't go as planned, and she would stage a full-out, embarrassing meltdown. Occasionally, I would cross paths with people in town who knew me from my television show and syndicated articles, who would take an interest in the commotion to see how I handled it. Some even admitted afterwards that they were delighted to see the local "parenting expert" dealing with a tantruming child and wanted to see how I dealt with it.

The following occasions are perfect for establishing rules and boundaries up front before the activity begins: entering a store, restaurant, museum, or theater, entertaining company, going to visit someone else's home, or you're about to host a party in your home. The kids won't always comply with the rules you set up, but it's a good start to creating agreements. And the more you conduct this pre-event activity, the more readily your children will adapt to the kind of atmosphere you're trying to create. In the end, you will gain more cooperation and family events will eventually run more smoothly and chaos-free.

logo for the creating cooperative kids organization
The author of this blog, Bill Corbett, is the author of the book, Love, Limits & Lessons: A Parent'sGuide to Raising Cooperative Kids, available in paperback, kindle and audible.



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