Eight year old Sarah is playing a board game with her brother. Everything is going along well until the boy wins. Sarah gets mad and
a meltdown ensues. In another common scenario, five year old Tommy is watching
a cartoon on his mother’s iPad. Mom tells Tommy that it’s time to leave and she
shuts off the iPad. Tommy throws himself on the floor and begins screaming.
Before I go further with this problem, please take note that
this or any of my other articles are not substitutes for family therapy. They
contain basic parenting advice for common situations. If your child is
demonstrating serious challenging behaviors it is always a good idea to seek
out the advice of a behavior health professional. Start with your child’s
pediatrician to determine appropriate next steps.
From toddler to school age, the kind of behavior I described
in the first paragraph can drive parents nuts. Their first response is often
scolding, sympathy, or even lecturing. I’ve seen many parents go right to the
child and begin rationalizing with them that their response to the loss or the
end of an activity was unnecessary and over the top. The parents mean well as
they try to reason with the upset child that it’s “no big deal,” or that there
will be a next time.
But trying to change a child’s perspective in the heat of
the moment while they are experiencing intense emotion is usually a waste of
time. What’s most important in that moment is (1.) for you to remain calm and
quiet, (2.) sooth or comfort the child if you can, and (3.) keep them safe from
harm caused by the physical aspect of their outburst. The better time to reason
with a child is (4.) after the emotion has subsided and they can actually hear
you and think clearly.
The actual causes of this kind of behavior could be many.
From personality trait, temperament, a lack of parental boundaries, or even physiological
influences such as hunger and fatigue. It could also be just a phase the child
is going through at the moment. The most important thing you can do as a parent
is (5.) to learn the patterns of when this sort of behavior occurs. Take note
of what the activity was, the time of day, and any events just prior to the explosive-like
behavior. Keeping a (6.) journal will help if you decide to seek help from a
therapist or counselor.
Use this information to (7.) plan your child’s activities to
minimize the outbursts. Stay one step ahead of them by (8.) setting up clear
boundaries for your child with visual limitations on play. (9.) Invite your
child to help you determine how long an activity will occur and plan out
transitions between activities by including your child in the planning stages.
Visual timers and schedules work well because your child can see who much time
is left before transition occurs, or they can see the activities that will be
taking place.
Finally, (10.) provide encouragement when your child does
not get angry at an outcome. Bring their attention to how well they
transitioned and ask them open-ended questions that lead them to their own
conclusion about how things turned out.
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