Are We Raising Children Who Need Approval?

 

A child proudly brings home a drawing from school. Many parents immediately respond with enthusiastic praise:

"That's beautiful!"
"You're such a great artist!"
"Wow! You're amazing!"

The intention is loving. Most parents simply want their child to feel good about themselves. But what if there's a better response?

The Hidden Problem with Constant Praise

When children repeatedly hear evaluations from adults, they can begin looking outside themselves to determine how they should feel about their own work. Instead of asking:

"What do I think about this?"

They begin asking:

"What do you think about this?"

Over time, children may become motivated by approval rather than personal satisfaction, effort, growth, or pride. The challenge comes later in life when someone doesn't approve. The child who has learned to depend on praise can be crushed by criticism.

A Different Approach

Imagine the same child showing you a drawing. Instead of evaluating it, try becoming curious.

"Tell me about your picture."
"What part are you most proud of?"
"How do you feel about how it turned out?"
"Where would you like to display it?"

Notice the difference. The conversation is no longer about the parent's opinion. The conversation is about the child's thoughts, feelings, and reflections. That's an important life skill.

It took me a while to make this switch but it was incredibly rewarding to watch my child respond differently. One day my step daughter was busy coloring in her room. When she completed the drawing, she came to show us what she created. I asked her to tell us all about the drawing and when she was done, we asked her what she wanted to do with it next.

After describing the drawing, she wasn't sure what she wanted to do with it and disappeared back into her room. Sometime later, she emerged and asked us to buy her 8.5 x 11 clear plastic sheets and a 3-ring binder. She said she wanted to save her favorite drawings into a book with protective sheets so she could take it out and look at them whenever she wanted.

She was now drawing for the love of drawing... not to please us or for the praise. This was a wonderful change that brought tears to our eyes.

The Same Principle Applies to Report Cards

When report cards arrive, many parents celebrate A's and criticize D's. A child with good grades might hear:

"You make Mommy so happy!"
"You're such a smart girl!"

But if poor grades appear, the message can quickly change:

"What happened?"
"Why can't you do better?"
"Your father is going to be disappointed."

In both situations, the child learns that their value depends on someone else's judgment. Instead, parents can encourage reflection.

"Which grade are you most proud of?" 
"Which one concerns you the most?"
"What do you think helped you earn that A?"   
"What would you like to do differently next time?"

These questions help children take ownership of both their successes and their struggles.

Encouragement Builds Independence

The goal of parenting isn't to raise children who constantly need applause. The goal is to raise children who can evaluate themselves, learn from mistakes, and make improvements because they want to. 

Encouragement helps children develop an internal compass. Praise and criticism often place that compass in someone else's hands.

The next time your child shows you a drawing, a report card, a project, or an accomplishment, resist the urge to immediately evaluate it.

Instead, get curious. Ask questions. Invite reflection.

You may be helping your child develop one of the most important qualities they'll ever need: the ability to think for themselves rather than live by the opinions of others.

Bill Corbett is a nationally recognized parent educator, author, and speaker known for his practical and compassionate approach to raising children. He has helped countless parents, caregivers, and professionals better understand child behavior and discipline through his workshops, seminars, books, and media appearances. As the creator of the "Love, Limits & Lessons" parenting program, Corbett emphasizes respectful and effective communication, age-appropriate expectations, and the importance of emotional connection in child-rearing. His work is grounded in positive discipline strategies that foster cooperation and confidence in both children and parents.